Friday, February 5, 2010

The King Lives On (Homecoming Week)

I once read a story about a guy in Japan who use to fingerbang Japanese chicks and then sniff his fingers on the trains back home so he could relive the experience. While disturbing I understood his desire to relish in a pleasurable moment for as long as possible. To that end I stayed in my apartment for 55 straight hours trying to cleave to my Thailand memories. While in the apartment I decided that maybe I'll try to be a better and more positive person in Korea as I wind down my contractual obligation here.


Sunday I go out for some bottled water at about 9:30 p.m. (because even though this is supposedly a first world nation with a G20 economy you can't drink the water) and on my way back to the apartment I get stopped by the police while I am changing songs on my ipod in my left hand and holding a bag of groceries in my right. So he starts in with his Korean Bullshit questions in Korean and I understand what he was asking I just didn't care to answer him it is cold and I don't what to play kimchi 20 questions. Everything he asked me I answered with I don't speak Korean. I do this because I know his English couldn't possibly be good enough to question me in English because if it was he would have gotten a better score on his police exam and he wouldn't have to work in shitty Hapcheon. Officer Friendly switches to English and starts asking me questions in very bad English. I pretend like I don't understand his pronunciation until he asked me where I lived. At that point I start laughing because that question wouldn't have been asked by an intuitive 6 year old let alone a fucking cop. At that point he must have realize how retarded the question was because he signaled for his partner to drive off.

You see children I live at the end of a long winding road with a residential high school on the left and on the right is a rice paddy( I once saw an old lady drop a deuce in there from my window) and next to it is two studio apartment buildings called Han-Mi or Kor(ea)-Am(erica) studio apartments. 40% of the foreign teacher community of Hapcheon live in that building and there isn't another large residential building for 2 miles in any direction.

If you ever have a chance to watch Korean t.v. you'll notice that every American police procedural is shown here. C.S.I, Law and Order, NCIS, Criminal Minds , etc and I think it is because their own constabulary is only capable of two things arranging blood money payments and phone book beatings.

Scene at a Korean Police Station

Ms Smith: I was raped by Mr. Lee I want justice
Officer: I see how about 4,000 dollars
Mr. Lee: I'll be good goddamned if I'll pay 4,000 for waegook pussy. She isn't even part of
the pure race. I won't pay a penny more over 1,500. 2,000 if she agrees to leave
the country.


My school has decided that since I live 45 minutes by slow country bus from school and the kids are only there for seventy minutes I should come in and teach them alone. So I pay 7.00 dollars every day to babysit for seventy minutes. Then I get on the bus at 1:20 and go home. So Monday I'm standing outside of the bodega where I buy my bus ticket refusing to buy my kids candy(if I'm on Atkins I'll be damned if I'm going to buy candy) when a grey shitty old van pulls to an abrupt stop at the curb.

Three men hustle out and start screaming something and looking in my direction the three guys don't even bother to slide the panel shut.. I'm thinking they are in quite a hurry to buy beer until I notice they are trying to surround me . My asshole students shrink away and these assholes are coming closer. I was wearing a black hoodie pulled up with a black scully and black Oakely sunglasses with the Black Iridium tint and big ass black headphones( to discourage conversation attempts from Koreans)listening to Ready to Die from Big. I back into the Bloody Roar arcade game and reach into my Black messenger bag for my Korean shank.

In my mind these three are assholes who want to engage in a few rounds of fuck with the foreigner. Right idea wrong person.I'm thinking I'm about to be abducted or some shit. Do they have amber alerts in Korea? Black Child on a milk carton?

So I'm gripping the blade in the bag and they have me surrounded when the asshole with a comb over and the part that starts at the top of his ear asked me my name and shows me his badge. No photo or i.d. card just a tiny shield that says Immigration on it. In retrospect I should have asked the two other guys for their i.d.'s as well or waited for the actual police but I was so glad that I wouldn't have to hurt one of those dicks that I just complied . I tell him my name is Mike he then asks me for my Alien Registration Card and I give it to him. He studies it for a beat and says the name is different here. I know, my first name is nearly unpronounceable for Koreans so I am called Mike to accommodate. He then goes E-2 so you are a teacher? Rhetorical question plus he is a dick so I don't answer. He then asked me where do you teach which is a rather stupid question considering they just dispersed a bunch of school age children who obviously knew me and Yaro Korea is a one whore town with no industry a population under 3,000 and exactly 34 buildings. There is no reason on God's beautiful green Earth for anyone to stop in Yaro for any reason except to get gas unless you have very specific business that could only be performed there. So I say Yaro which satisfies him enough to give me my i.d. and get back in the van with his cohorts and leave. What I don't understand is the use of such heavy handed tactics . I stick out like Bin Laden in Mayberry, in Yaro there wasn't any place to run to, the one bus that comes every 4hours only stops in one place and there are two taxis that serve the community. In addition the next town is 15 kilometers south on the same road. To this day I'm only 60% sure that they were actual immigration agents and not just a group of Koreans looking to break balls.

An old ass Korean lady stepped on my foot as is their prerogative here. I was particularly upset because i had just bought some wheat colored Timberlands from Thailand. You can't even get those shoes in Korea and this rude cunt with shoe polished black hair steps on my foot and then looks at me like I'm the problem for being in her way.

I went to the market and got 8 cans of chicken and a box of popcorn with English gibberish on it. I unload the basket and as I wait for her to start scanning an old man walks up gives her a bag of apples she scans it and then he starts to fish around for money. So I go "What the Fuck" and I guess she realises what she did was wrong because she starts to say sorry but I'm pissed so I leave the store.

My Samsung Hard Drive 140.00
Born: December 19, 2009
Died : February 04 2010
I guess the miracle of the Han is convincing so many people to buy shitty Korean products

The piece de resistance of Korean Bullshit. I buy my ticket to go home from the lady at the store and I am waiting for the 1:20 bus back to Hapcheon. So he shows up at 1:30(Korean people time) and when I go to get on the bus he is wagging his finger no like Dikembe Mutombo and refusing to let me get on the bus. The bus drives off and then the helpful store lady comes out and says you missed the bus. I then take a taxi home for 28.00.

I feel like my life here is like the movie Final Destination only instead of death it is Korean Bullshit that is determined to destroy me. After all of that I must say that I am most upset with the cunt in the store that stepped on my shoe.


  1. Get a receipt! Make the school reimburse you for everytime the bus riiver refuses to let you on the bus. Maybe they might finally make a phone call telling that racist turd to let you on the bus.

    Also, I knew you had a man crush on the tiny retarded Korean stalker, now he is going to be up your @ss! Just Kidding.

  2. Bro why don't you just leave Korea? You are living in pre civil movement America.

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  4. The photos accentuate your post beautifully. It could be a children's book, except for the shank, the near abduction and that freaky alien-looking Korean woman creepily clawing her way out of the 'interesting' popcorn bag. I might have nightmares.

  5. thank you I wasn't going to have children but now I think I will just so I can tell them about the time I was almost abducted by a group of Korean man.

  6. The immi bus, the cops, getting your Timberlands stepped on....

    What about the Thai wife? Is Drinky dead? Is that naked guy still running around?

  7. no wife, he's fucked up, and that guy got thrown out of the building

  8. You divorced already? jk.

    One less naked guy running around the local girl's HS isn't a bad thing.

    I wonder if immi has jumped on any of the other teachers in your area or you just stand out too much.

  9. hahaha loved the post, i've been reading your blog for awhile and pimping it to all my friends :) i live in gwangju, work in damyang and i feel your pain. i haven't had a washing machine for three weeks and last week my school ripped me off 500,000won. god, i can't wait to go home!

  10. I really like your blog and hope that you will move to another city instead of the armpit that you are currently in.

  11. Amandan i read your blog but you don't mention the 500 in your post. As for the sobriety congrats I have never drank so you could hang with me if you like.

  12. Mike,

    The wife and I are dying for a change of scenery (and people). You got any advice as to where to visit in Thailand?

  13. It depends on how long you are going for. If it is a week (and you insist on taking a wife) I would suggest a luxury resort on Koh Samui. If you aren't beach people the mountains of Chiang Mai are very nice as well. I like luxury modern shit so I stay at the Dream Hotel in Bangkok, wear fly suits and go to the sky bar. But it is a big place and it depends on what you want to do. For cheap tourist shit I suggest Pattaya.

  14. I agree with you. Korea is one lousy excuse for a country. If it weren't for a contract and money, I would be hoping Kim Jong-Il absorbs this piece of crap place. When I leave, I give him full permission.

  15. Timberlands? Really? You're classier than that sweetie. I'd step on that shit too. And then offer you a nice Fluevog.

  16. Those look like Elf shoes I like Frye boots for casual.