The King Lives On (Homecoming Week)

I once read a story about a guy in Japan who use to fingerbang Japanese chicks and then sniff his fingers on the trains back home so he could relive the experience. While disturbing I understood his desire to relish in a pleasurable moment for as long as possible. To that end I stayed in my apartment for 55 straight hours trying to cleave to my Thailand memories. While in the apartment I decided that maybe I'll try to be a better and more positive person in Korea as I wind down my contractual obligation here.

Sunday

Sunday I go out for some bottled water at about 9:30 p.m. (because even though this is supposedly a first world nation with a G20 economy you can't drink the water) and on my way back to the apartment I get stopped by the police while I am changing songs on my ipod in my left hand and holding a bag of groceries in my right. So he starts in with his Korean Bullshit questions in Korean and I understand what he was asking I just didn't care to answer him it is cold and I don't what to play kimchi 20 questions. Everything he asked me I answered with I don't speak Korean. I do this because I know his English couldn't possibly be good enough to question me in English because if it was he would have gotten a better score on his police exam and he wouldn't have to work in shitty Hapcheon. Officer Friendly switches to English and starts asking me questions in very bad English. I pretend like I don't understand his pronunciation until he asked me where I lived. At that point I start laughing because that question wouldn't have been asked by an intuitive 6 year old let alone a fucking cop. At that point he must have realize how retarded the question was because he signaled for his partner to drive off.

You see children I live at the end of a long winding road with a residential high school on the left and on the right is a rice paddy( I once saw an old lady drop a deuce in there from my window) and next to it is two studio apartment buildings called Han-Mi or Kor(ea)-Am(erica) studio apartments. 40% of the foreign teacher community of Hapcheon live in that building and there isn't another large residential building for 2 miles in any direction.








If you ever have a chance to watch Korean t.v. you'll notice that every American police procedural is shown here. C.S.I, Law and Order, NCIS, Criminal Minds , etc and I think it is because their own constabulary is only capable of two things arranging blood money payments and phone book beatings.

Scene at a Korean Police Station

Ms Smith: I was raped by Mr. Lee I want justice

Officer: I see how about 4,000 dollars

Mr. Lee: I'll be good goddamned if I'll pay 4,000 for waegook pussy. She isn't even part of

the pure race. I won't pay a penny more over 1,500. 2,000 if she agrees to leave

the country.

Monday

My school has decided that since I live 45 minutes by slow country bus from school and the kids are only there for seventy minutes I should come in and teach them alone. So I pay 7.00 dollars every day to babysit for seventy minutes. Then I get on the bus at 1:20 and go home. So Monday I'm standing outside of the bodega where I buy my bus ticket refusing to buy my kids candy(if I'm on Atkins I'll be damned if I'm going to buy candy) when a grey shitty old van pulls to an abrupt stop at the curb.








Three men hustle out and start screaming something and looking in my direction the three guys don't even bother to slide the panel shut.. I'm thinking they are in quite a hurry to buy beer until I notice they are trying to surround me . My asshole students shrink away and these assholes are coming closer. I was wearing a black hoodie pulled up with a black scully and black Oakely sunglasses with the Black Iridium tint and big ass black headphones( to discourage conversation attempts from Koreans)listening to Ready to Die from Big. I back into the Bloody Roar arcade game and reach into my Black messenger bag for my Korean shank.

In my mind these three are assholes who want to engage in a few rounds of fuck with the foreigner. Right idea wrong person.I'm thinking I'm about to be abducted or some shit. Do they have amber alerts in Korea? Black Child on a milk carton?

So I'm gripping the blade in the bag and they have me surrounded when the asshole with a comb over and the part that starts at the top of his ear asked me my name and shows me his badge. No photo or i.d. card just a tiny shield that says Immigration on it. In retrospect I should have asked the two other guys for their i.d.'s as well or waited for the actual police but I was so glad that I wouldn't have to hurt one of those dicks that I just complied . I tell him my name is Mike he then asks me for my Alien Registration Card and I give it to him. He studies it for a beat and says the name is different here. I know, my first name is nearly unpronounceable for Koreans so I am called Mike to accommodate. He then goes E-2 so you are a teacher? Rhetorical question plus he is a dick so I don't answer. He then asked me where do you teach which is a rather stupid question considering they just dispersed a bunch of school age children who obviously knew me and Yaro Korea is a one whore town with no industry a population under 3,000 and exactly 34 buildings. There is no reason on God's beautiful green Earth for anyone to stop in Yaro for any reason except to get gas unless you have very specific business that could only be performed there. So I say Yaro which satisfies him enough to give me my i.d. and get back in the van with his cohorts and leave. What I don't understand is the use of such heavy handed tactics . I stick out like Bin Laden in Mayberry, in Yaro there wasn't any place to run to, the one bus that comes every 4hours only stops in one place and there are two taxis that serve the community. In addition the next town is 15 kilometers south on the same road. To this day I'm only 60% sure that they were actual immigration agents and not just a group of Koreans looking to break balls.

Tuesday

An old ass Korean lady stepped on my foot as is their prerogative here. I was particularly upset because i had just bought some wheat colored Timberlands from Thailand. You can't even get those shoes in Korea and this rude cunt with shoe polished black hair steps on my foot and then looks at me like I'm the problem for being in her way.

Wednesday

I went to the market and got 8 cans of chicken and a box of popcorn with English gibberish on it. I unload the basket and as I wait for her to start scanning an old man walks up gives her a bag of apples she scans it and then he starts to fish around for money. So I go "What the Fuck" and I guess she realises what she did was wrong because she starts to say sorry but I'm pissed so I leave the store.

Thursday

My Samsung Hard Drive 140.00

Born: December 19, 2009

Died : February 04 2010

I guess the miracle of the Han is convincing so many people to buy shitty Korean products

Friday

The piece de resistance of Korean Bullshit. I buy my ticket to go home from the lady at the store and I am waiting for the 1:20 bus back to Hapcheon. So he shows up at 1:30(Korean people time) and when I go to get on the bus he is wagging his finger no like Dikembe Mutombo and refusing to let me get on the bus. The bus drives off and then the helpful store lady comes out and says you missed the bus. I then take a taxi home for 28.00.

I feel like my life here is like the movie Final Destination only instead of death it is Korean Bullshit that is determined to destroy me. After all of that I must say that I am most upset with the cunt in the store that stepped on my shoe.

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