Monday, October 26, 2009

Koreans trying to kill me

I was going to write about my missing paycheck this week but I have bigger fish to fry. You see children I think Koreans are trying to kill me slowly. I went to Daegu to track down my missing paycheck and to check on my new bank account. To get to my bank I have to take a subway. Whenever i get on a car I always scan the car and look for two open seats, because if I sit down next to a Korean they often get up and move as they turn their noses up insinuating that I stink. This has happened enough times that if only single seats are available I'll stand for up to an hour to get to my destination. I do this because the alternative would shorten my life. When a Korean gives me one of those racial snubs for a moment; a split second, I go into a murderous rage. I feel the shock of adrenalin and the cortisol racing through my veins as my heart pounds and my ears get hot. Then I talk myself down and within a few seconds I'm back to normal, but i guarantee that moment took something away from my lifespan. In actuality swallowing that shit is probably twice as harmful because I didn't get to express it. Boxers and physicist will tell you that it takes twice as much energy to throw a missed punch than one that lands. So I'm on the train and I decide fuck this shit I'm sitting my Black ass down let them adjust to me. I sit down on the first train between a young woman texting and an old man no problem except for the staring. I like to think it is because I'm very handsome ,but the truth is they look at me the way I looked at the tigers in the tiger park in Thailand I went to. At the park the only reason the tigers refrained from killing the patrons was because they were well fed prior to the exhibition. I guess in Korea my hold on civilize behavior is just as tenuous as far as the Koreans are concerns.

When i came to Korea I was 29 years old so my self-esteem was already formed and that is a good thing because if you buy into their value system everything you are is inferior. I know a few female Black teachers who began to feel real unpretty after a few months here.Dark skin is an anathema here and kinky here forget about it. When the Koreans aren't working on your physical shortcomings they start in with their racial theories about your intelligence. For example, "Asians are 15 I.Q. points higher than Europeans, who are 10 points higher than Africans" . Or "Korean women are the most prettiest Asian women because they have the whitest skin in Asia". (BTW they sell whitening cream here and I hope to look like Powder by Christmas).

So I'm rolling through the underground mall and i see a Korean midget. Now Koreans are extremely rough on Koreans who don't fit the mold for whatever reason. I've seen strangers ridicule pregnant women for being fat here. So, I'm thinking this guy would know what it is like to be stared at by slack jawed assholes and he wouldn't do it. No go, he is drinking every bit of my 6'1 inch 240 lbs of ebony goodness in. So I got down on one knee and I start staring at him. I then took out my toy binoculars and I'm pretending to adjust them because I can't find him. He gets mad and stomps away with his friend. I go to the bank and conclude my business get back on the train and there is a seat next to an old Korean woman. I sit down she gets up.
But it is o.k. bitch. i turned my ipod up and played my de facto theme song in Kimchi Kountry.

My swag is on a 1,000,000 when will they get me down ? Not,never

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Retarded Korean Ninja Stalker

asA lot of people ask me how long have I been in and Korea to which I reply off and on since 2007. They then say so you speak pretty good Korean right? I smile and assure them that my Korean is worse today than when I arrived for various reasons not the least of which is personal motivation. I am simply uninterested in what Korean people have to say to me. Generally, when I am stopped in the street Korean people ask me in English or Korean the following.

Where are you from?
How long have you lived in Korea?
What do you do?
Where do you work?

Now I can answer those questions in English or Korean but why should I bother?
Invariably my inquisitor is either a small child prompted by his/her mother
or an old man. In other words people I couldn't imagine wanting to speak to less. If you ever see me speaking to a Korean person just know I am mentally going

one Mississippi
two Mississippi
I give kids 10 seconds and everyone else 5 seconds before I walk away.

You see children I am only interested in two types of conversation. Conversation A leads to sex either directly or indirectly. In Korea most girls speak some level of English so if she isn't willing to speak to you in English she probably isn't interested in you. Besides, I have found it infinitely easier to have sex with fellow foreign teachers than trying to get the kitty off of a Korean chick. Therefore, I have no sexual motivation to learn the language. Conversation type B leads to money in one shape or form and Korean really isn't a money language. I would do better learning Chinese or Japanese for monetary purposes.

So you maybe asking what can you say T?
I can say the following:

Don't touch me
Leave me alone
Don't do that
What are you looking at
Do you want to fight

Because i get to practice these phrases alot I am well versed in them. For example, yesterday while I was on a bus from Daegu to Hapcheon a drunken old man sat behind me smelling like sour sausages and cabbage. This old fuck preceded to hit me in the head and then look out of the window like I'm crazy. He hits me again and at this point I could call for assistance in Korean but I don't bother because I know how Koreans react to foreigners being accosted by Koreans.

When I was living in Incheon I had a retarded stalker. This boy was about 6'3 270lbs of retard strength and everytime he saw me he would feel compelled to run over and knock the headphones from my head and touch my hair. Now usually I have finely tuned instincts when it comes to Korean bullshit and I am able to sidestep drunken or stupid Koreans yards before they can get to me. But this retarded kid would thwart my best efforts. I am in McDonalds he is behind me. Shopping in the store behind me. On the elevator to the gym behind me . So I moved to a different neighborhood and the retarded kid sees me and we are in front of about 6 adult Korean women. He starts in with his retarded shit and I have had it with him. I call out in Korean for help and those bitches stand there like those " see no evil" monkeys. So now I'm pissed I take my spray bottle of bleach and hydrogen peroxide( I carry it because Korean gyms have no concept of hygiene) and I am spraying him in the face like a dog on the couch. The retarded kid is licking it off and moving forward so I decided I am going to teach him a lesson. After years of studying Muay Thai my right shin has calcified and it hurts like hell when I kick people. So I turned and kicked him on his thigh and once on his ass. He falls down and starts wailing like Chewbocca and then the Korean bitches run over to help him and they start yelling at me.

So I'm on this bus and some Buddhist Monks get on. Now it wouldn't do to give an old man a Menace II Society style ass whipping in front of nuns so I bide my time. We get to Hapcheon and I sit there everyone gets off the bus he walks past my seat and I stick a foot out. Down goes Frazier , he is face first on the bus floor as I step over him to leave.

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Korean Sex Game

I think Korean women think I have low self-esteem. Or I was born without eyes or discernment because I have been approached by more Korean mud-ducks than anywhere else in the world. I guess they think that because I have the affliction of this mocha colored skin their kimchi flavored pussy must be worth 5 or 6 points on my scale of attractiveness.

Korean women can be divided into two groups. Group one is under 30 and they are at the peak of freshness. This is when all of the years of academies pays off. You go to a top university and you meet a Samsung man for dating.Your dating culminates with a marriage around your 30 or 31st birthday. If you are too stupid, fat, ugly, or otherwise undesirable you will fall into the second category; mud ducks. These Korean mud ducks may be pretty but there is something wrong with then within the context of Korean culture. The high-end models go for middle aged to slightly older white boys. The low end models circle the drain with Blacks and Nigerians.Since this society is Borg like in its uniformity my description is accurate of about 80% of the couples here. Now this plays out in very obvious ways.I went to my friends wedding in a black 2-button silk/cashmere custom made suit with a custom French cuff blue shirt and the girls said I looked nice. Now I dressed appropriately because I was honoring the event I was invited to not for the pleasure of raggedy Korean bitches. The white boy next to me was wearing a shit brown corduroy suit and a blue dress shirt he slept in. The difference is the Korean chicks would have fucked him. Me, I get the compliment of at least the monkey cleans up nice.

Korean Mud Ducks
Korean women approach me about 6 or 7 times a year in very inappropriate ways. When I lived up north near Seoul I would go for hike every morning up the side of a mountain. At the base of this mountain was a Korean woman; selling vegetables in her mid-thirties, who would stop me for conversation. Every morning she would tell me how her husband took her child to Iran and how she was lonely. I would suffer her for a few minutes everyday and finally she asked if she could come to my apartment. Word. Really!Why would I be interested in a woman who was an assistant to an old woman selling vegetables on a dirt path leading to a mountain. But she thought because she was Korean and i was a lowly darkie I would jump at the opportunity.I think that bitch is still standing there. I went to a bike shop in my small town to buy a bike there I met So Hae. So Hae was about 54 years old had gold teeth in the front, tats, and spoke passable English. Taken together I surmise that she probably spent a lot of time on her back near military bases or ports. So anyway I'm trying to buy a bike and she is coming hard. Where is your apartment? Can I call you? Can I visit you now? I'm looking at her like do I seem drunk to you it is only 4:30 and I'm not Korean. So I told her "look lady I've never been that drunk or horny to even think that you would be an option , now get off my handlebars".

The thing is I have a personal rule which precludes any slumming on my part. Today's has to be better than yesterday's. This job has to be better than my last job. My next car has to better than my last car. Most importantly my new broad has got to be better than the last one and these Korean mud-ducks simply cannot compete with what I have gotten in Japan, USA, Costa Rica, Puerto Rico so I cannot entertain them as an option. Not,never

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My Teaching Technique

tI am from the Joe Clark school of discipline. Which means I routinely throw kids out of class. Hell some days I don't even wait for the class to begin before i start throwing kids out.Now you maybe saying that is very harsh. So,I'll explain the reasons why I throw them out. I prepare like a motherfucker for class everyday even though I am only a co-teacher and should be responsible for 50% or less of content. I do 100% of the lesson plan and about 90% of the presentation. Some of my co-teachers don't even show up for class. I do it for 3 reasons.

I was taught in the 5th grade what ever you are doing be the best. Whether I am laying up with a woman or delivering pizzas I wanted to be the best person there.

I don't want one of these rice eating somumabitches to say " I would have gone to college but I had a Black teacher when I was 13 and it fucked all my shit up". Plus if I fuck up you know when they'll hire another Black person? Not,never.

The Kids
My scholastic history is riddle with the mediocre all the way to the criminally insane. My 8th grade teacher Mrs. Baynes once gave us an assignment to bring in music that reflected her reason for teaching. She never told us what it was.So, I brought in Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye.She gave the entire class an F for the project.So I spend a lot of time and money trying to make an informative and exciting class.

All I ask of my students in return is to be quiet. If you want to read a comic book, be my guest. Stare out of the window, I love it. Put your head down and dream about your future in the strawberry farm industry, go for it. But when these kids start talking through my lesson I kindly invite them to the get the fuck out. Go talk in the hall.

I have 2 styles of Get the Fuck Out

For the individual

And for the Group: I call this my preemptive strike.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Stages Part 2

So you have worked through your anger at your treatment here and you decide maybe I am to blame. If not to blame then maybe you feel you at least contribute to the treatment you are receiving from strangers on the street. So you make a deal in your mind i will be the most non-threatning Black person I can be. So you go from what Koreans picture as this

To this

or this

But the treatment doesn't subside people still won't sit next to you on the trains, you can't teach privates, and you are facing termination from your job because the Korean parents don't want inferior Black teachers for their precious brats and are removing their kids from school.

Cunt Lee: Please wear nice clothes we are taking pics for advertisement flier
Me: I wear nice clothes everyday Irishman sleeps in his and doesn't own
an iron.
Cunt Lee: Don't worry about it

Scene 2 weeks
Cunt Lee: Look at the nice flier
Me: I'm not in the flier
Cunt Lee: I know we didn't have room for you
Me: You included two white girls who quit working here months ago plus I
wore a Hugo Boss suit that day.
Cunt Lee: Oh well maybe next time.

Now you understand that the fix is in. It never mattered who you are as a person the totality of your being is wrapped up in your Black skin.And here Black skin reads as dangerous, inferior , uncivilized.

So your depression kicks in you don't know how to proceed you gave up so much to come here and now you feel like you can't win. You can only survive. How many days to the end of your contract. Will you make it? The deck is stacked against you Vegas odds say that you won't.

But this is the life that you chose so you move to the fifth and final stage. You accept the fact that you are in a Bizzaro Land filled with xenephobes and racist who will call you names or imply that you stink. You return to holding your head high because at the end of the day all interactions with your Korean host boil down to one simple phrase.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The 5 stages of being a Black teacher in Korea (part 1)

Denial and Isolation.
When I first got to Korea I was placed in a seedy 2 bedroom apartment with no hot water and a drunken Irishman due home at anytime during the night. I could not leave the apartment to find food because the door had a numerical lock that the braintrust at my hagwon failed to tell me. So I sat in the room with a steak knife under the Peter Rabbit pillow and ate the Nutrigrain bars I brought with me from America. I spent the entire night thinking what have I done? I had a good life in America. I could sit at the Social Security Administration for 25 more years and watch my ass grow into the Unicor furniture. The next day my Irish roomate (who sounded like the chef on the Muppet Show) and his bald Korean girlfriend introduced themselves and escorted me to our office. That was about 60% of the interaction we would have for the next 5 months.

So after a few weeks of isolation and depression the anger sets in. You grow tired of the stares and whispers when you pass. Children cry and babies are clutched to their mothers breast whenever you are around. Women won't ride the elevators with you if you are male(because you flew 6,000 miles just to rape a middle aged Korean) It is not as much fun as you thought and you aren't getting everything you are suppose to receive as per your contract (or common decency) because Koreans have a mercurial relationship with the truth. My boss( a mildly attractive Korean woman with an openly gay husband with a ponytail and a son who is due to come out of the closet any day now) would tell me a lie that she knew that I knew was a lie just to save face. Typical lie

Me: can I have my money?
Cunt Lee Sure on Friday
Friday comes around

Me: can I have my money
Cunt Lee I can't pay you because it is against the law to give foreigners
Que Me exploding in anger and refusing to teach.

Scene 2

Me: Who referred to me as the nigger?
Boss: I didn't do that (I only say it in Korean)
Gay Husband: not me
Gay husband boyfriend: not me
Boss's Boyfriend: I didn't say it.
Me(in the middle of the
office): Yelling You wanted the nigga
nigga hear now (Before I left I watched 40yo alot)

Friday, October 9, 2009

"There are no homosexuals in Korea" Part 1

So today I was sitting in the classroom of a school in the middle of nowhere. This school has exactly 42 students and 14 administrators ( In Korea labor is so cheap they would just as soon hire 4 people to do a job that literally need not be done at all). Anyway my co-teacher likes to practice his English by rolling out a ridiculous opinion and then trying to defend his arguments. Past discussions have included.

Asians are the smartest people on Earth

Koreans are the smartest Asians

Koreans are racially pure and therefore superior.

Do Black people have red blood?

Why Can't I touch your hair?

So today he starts asking me about perceptions of homosexuals in America. I responded that in a lot of ways America is more progressive than Korea but we have a ways to go for full rights for the LGBT community. He then promptly informed that there weren't any homosexuals in Korea.

Word? Really. Prior to class I have to routinely get the boys to stop sitting on each other laps and take their seats. Now depending on the configuration of the classroom my male students will often spend the class period lovingly caressing each other faces or packages.( One of my students takes his index finger and traces the outline of another male students face during the class. It is totally sensual and they are totally 14). The ladies are represented by a giant Judo athlete named Min something whose gender was a mystery to me for 4 months. ( I was only able to solve the mystery when they went to uniforms and she was forced to wear the girls blouse with her slacks) Min something can often be found with a little girl on her lap between classes. On Fridays I teach elementary school and on this particular day one of the fourth graders decided to pull the chair out from under another student. Now the chairs are built for small children so he was literally two and half feet off the ground. But you should have seen that bastard cry. Snot and tears and choking it was a spectacle. So the newlywed male teacher comes over hugs the boy and immediately starts to massage his ass. He is switching off hands and getting both cheeks . He looked like DJ Kool Herc on the 1's and 2's with his skillful manipulation of that boy's backside. All i know is if I was that boy I would never cry again.

A brief introduction

My name is T but most people here call me Mike because it is easier. I come from a slightly less horrible place than Korea called Cleveland Ohio. As God is my witness I hope to never go back. I'm 32 years old and I live in an abortion of a town called Hapcheon. Everyone here literally knows my name as I am the only Black person within fifty miles in any direction. This blog will chronicle my international adventures and internal thoughts I hope it will be an enjoyable read.

Music Playlist at