Sunday, February 28, 2010

Lousy Loser Math

"Men Lie Women Lie but Numbers Don't"- Jay-Z

I never have and never would judge a man's value based on his net worth. Money is so fleeting and at the end of days the only thing that matters is how much enjoyment you wrung out of every second of your life. That being said there is a meme in the kimchi cheerleader community that foreign teachers are some sort of loser population unfit to find gainful employment in the U.S. I agree with my kimchi fueled critics. I am a loser I mean who in their right mind would come to Korea; the inbred backwater of East Asia whose main claim to fame is a world class airport that can efficiently shuttle people to better places around the globe, when I already live in America. Well I am a Loser. I got tired of making significantly more than my current Korean bosses in America so I decided to come to Korea and make significantly more than the general population.

According to the Korea National Statistical Office the average income per household is 3.45 million won per month. Now for comparison I make 2.75 million won per month. If you deduct non-consumable expenditures that brings down the income to 2.835 mil won. My disposable income is slightly north of 2.4 million won. But when you dig a little deeper you find that about 75% of Korean households contain at least two people. So it takes at least two Koreans to equal one of me. Hasa! But I am still a foreign loser and I shouldn't compare myself to the entire population. So let's move on to the school house since I am in the education industry.

Teaching Korean students is a ridiculous undertaking that should only be undertaken by societal losers. I agree with this observation so I am going to go to my elementary school and inform all the teachers and the staff that they are collectively bigger losers than yours truly. Even though they are smart, dedicated young people who love children it is clear to me that they are losers because I make much more money than they do. The elementary teachers make between 1.3 and 1.5 million won which is about a 1/3rd less than me after taxes. And considering they teach every class all day every day and I teach 4 classes and leave their hourly is much lower than mine.

The middle school is a bastion of losers. The nice office manager who is responsible for occasionally fucking up my losers pittance receives the miserly sum of 1 mil won per month. After taxes she makes 800,000 which makes her 3x the loser I am. My co-teachers average about 20 years experience and I would be shocked if any of them cracked 3.0 million won. My boss makes 4 mil won for the dual position of vice-principal and science teacher. Two jobs to make 4 million won what a loser considering I made more than that in America when I was 25 and though it is hard to tell with the dye job I think he is in his late 40's. There are other losers involved with the education of Korean kids such as bus drivers, kitchen staff, janitors etc. but suffice to say they are all at least 2x and some as much as 6x the loser I am.

Some kimchi cheerleaders have written that we are economic refugees completely unable to find gainful employment in our home countries. I agree totally it is very difficult to be a college graduate in America and not have the ability to live with one's parents until their early thirties eating kimchi chigae in their underoos in their bedroom playing WOW pretending to study for exams. But the reality is there are only 8,000 or so American teachers in Korea. 8,000 where did I hear that number before, I forget . Anyway 8,000 jobs would be statistically irrelevant job growth for the state of Ohio let alone the entire United States so the idea that Korea is providing large scale work opportunities for a large number of unemployables is rigoddamndiculous. Oh yeah, I remember 8,000 teachers roughly equals the number of Korean prostitutes working in the L.A. area.So America has provided at least as much work for Koreans as Koreans have provided for Americans. It is funny while we are a bunch of losers spreading English across the peninsula America received a bunch of whores at Korean rub and tugs spreading...

I've decided to embrace my loser status here , as I am part of the dregs of American society I do make a pretty good middle class Korean.

Dictated not Read

Music Playlist at

Friday, February 26, 2010

Korean Bullshit:Olympics

O would some power
The gift to give us
To see ourselves
As others see us --Robert Frost

The Winter Olympics are an utter and complete waste of time. In my opinion if a hairy naked 5 foot tall oiled up naked Greek man didn't do it 2300 years ago then I'm not interested. The only redeeming quality these "Games" have is the fact that every thing that I have written or said about Korea is being played out on the world stage.

Petulant Children- Violently Ignorant

Prior to the start of the short track speed skating event the Chinese team sent a cameraman to the venue to film the Korean teams practice. The Korean coach Choi(che) Guang-Bok started yelling "Stop it, Don't Do That."He then proceeded to hurl water bottles at the cameraman.
This leads us to certain conclusions about the mental capacity of Mr. Choi.

A. He is a lunatic who believes the appropriate response to a rule infraction is ineffective violent retaliation
B. He is a megalomaniac who believed that his effete bottle throwing would cow the Chinese
C. He is a fucking idiot who didn't know the rules of his industry.

In the end it was perfectly acceptable for the Chinese to film the practices and Mr. Choi's display of arrogance mixed with ignorance perfectly illustrates what I have said all along about Korea. The funny part is the Chinese probably had thousands of hours of tape on the Korean team and would glean very little they didn't already know from the footage.

Chinese Video Camera 1,000 rmb
Bus ticket to the venue for the camera man 3.00 Canadian Dollars

Making the South Korean delegation look like ass
clowns Priceless

Oh No! It's Ohno (Stay classy Korea)

The Winter Olympics are barely sports but that doesn't stop Koreans and their hwhiting ( bastardized konglish version of the word "fighting") spirit from marring this boring spectacle. In 2002 that half Jap Ohno bastard won a gold medal after the glorious Korean skater was disqualified for not following the rules. Koreans then proceeded to shut down the U.S. O.C. servers with their poorly written death threats. The death threats reached such a fever pitch that the US team had to withdraw from a competition in Korea due to safety concerns for Ohno. Korea being the classy joint that it is has Ohno toilet paper and a video game which allows faux executions of the skater. This year two Korean skaters used their aggressive kimchi power to knock each other off the ice allowing Ohno to race to a silver medal. The Korean gold medal winner said he " was so enraged that it was hard for me to control myself through the ceremony"

Pushy, Rude with a virulent strain of asshole (Hewish you are a dead man)

Apparently the South Korean skater was practicing her future adjumma (Korean cunty old lady) skills on the ice on an unsuspecting foreigner. Since the rest of the world doesn't recognize the rights of Korean women to act cunty the Korean skater was summarily disqualified. What makes this story the bees fucking knees of comeuppance is the ref in charge is the same guy who reffed the dq of the Korean skater that gave that halfie Japanese asshole Ohno the gold 8 years ago. This weeks dq gave a gold medal to the Chinese. I guess all that taping really was unnecessary. I can hear thousands of Korean netizens racking their soju addled minds trying to recall the correct order of the 50 words of English they know to properly convey a death threat to Mr. Hewish. And to Mr . Hewish if you are ever in a dark alley and you are approached by someone who smells like ethanol and sour cabbage I suggest you run like hell.

People dismiss me and my fellow blogger as Korea haters but when the rest of the world is presented with Korean bullshit they react the same way we do., with mocking , disbelief, and sometimes pity. So the next time a kimchi cheerleader comes to my blog and tries to take me to task about my observations about Korea I'll just say shhhh you hear that? That's the sound of a billion Chinese people laughing at you.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

There's an asshole with a banjo downstairs. And other assorted stories of fuckery.

I am composing this at 6:30 p.m. Wednesday Feb 17 2010 to the tune of vigorous live strumming on a goddamn banjo. You see children I live in Han-Mi one room which is the Ammityville of Korea. The Korean-American guy on the first floor says the building owners are not going to rent to foreigners after the current leases are up and in this situation I can't blame them. This building is like Santa's land of misfit toys.
Bill looked like this guy except all of his hair was gray and he was bald with
bushier eyebrows.

On the first floor next to the building's owners apartment lived Bill. Bill is about 57 years old and he teaches elementary school children at various local schools. Bill wears thick black wayfarer ,Buddy Holly style glasses, has a shiny bald head and unruly and long grey nose, beard, ear and eyebrow hair that is all connected. He only owns three pairs of cheap, shiny black dress pants, 2 pairs of shorts that were once shiny black dress pants, and various sweat stained t-shirts. In lieu of clothes his apartment was filled with about 2 dozen musical instruments. Violins, Korean drums,violas, and a fucking oboe for God's sake. Late at night he would play these instruments in a creepy symphony disturbing all the Koreans unfortunate enough to share walls with him. So last summer I went outside because it is very humid next to a fetid pond. It is about 1:00 am and I see a ghostly figure in thelurid glow of the street lights. I'm curious because in that direction there is a helicopter landing pad and an archery club neither of which would be in use at this time of morning. Before I continue let me remind you that i live across the street from a high school with dorms. So I'm watching this figure come out of the mist like Swamp Thing and I recognize it's Bill. But Bill isn't wearing a shirt. I'm thinking Koreans won't like that. I look again and Bill isn't wearing any shorts. All that creepy son of a bitch was wearing was all-black Korean walking shoes. Apparently Bill was skinny dipping; or sodomizing,murdering, and drowning a body, and decided that the wind felt good on his pink balls and grey pubes so he walked home naked. I'm scared to death at this point because he spotted me and we are about 20 meters from each other. He stops moving when he sees me and we stare at each other as if he is a deer and I am a '89 Cutlass Supreme.I'm shook daddy because I didn't have my Korean shank or anything on me. I move away from the building in the opposite direction to give him a chance to get to his apartment while simultaneously increasing the distance between us. He goes in and then I realize that to get to my apartment I have to take the stairs near his apartment. I had visions of him wielding a knife naked with his black walking shoes on hacking me to death on those dirty steps.i couldn't sleep for a week behind that shit. Bill was later thrown out of the building after annoying the landlord one too many times.

Deep in the heart of Texas

Directly below me there are a couple of recent college grads who like to play shit kicker music all times of the day and night. They remind me of this joke I once heard.

Guy goes up to his friend
You want to go to a party there'll be drinking, drugging, dancing, laughing, sucking, fighting, and fucking.
Wow sounds like a good time how many people are going to be there?
Oh just you and me
These two share a studio even though they were provided with two individual rooms by the Board of Education, the girl told me that they use the other room for storage. A few months ago I hear all this racket . I check the time. 2:30 and the boyfriend is banging on the door of their apartment. This goes on for a half hour. I put on my shorts and go downstairs to see if he needs some help. I was thinking maybe he locked himself out and didn't have money for the love motel. He says he's fine so I go back to bed. 20 minutes later I here the sound of something hitting a window. It is that asshole throwing a shoe against her/their window. That went on for another 5 minutes until he either got tired, the police were called, or she let him in. Last Saturday night I here a big crash and screaming. Doors are slamming which is odd because this is a building filled with studio apartments and there aren't any doors that lead anywhere.
They must have made up because I woke up to a banjo serenade the next morning.

"I hate one out of 5 Koreans I've met so far"

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Korean Bullshit: Medical

I read in the Korea Times that Korea wants to be a hub of medical tourism. In the article it went on to say that Korea has a two tiered system for pricing. The low Korean price and the much higher non-Korean price. But this is to be expected by anyone who has spent a significant amount of time on this peninsula. This country has first world aspirations and a third world mentality. I mean you expect this sort of money grubbing from a guy with a cart on a street corner (maybe) But when it is done by your national hospitals the whole thing makes Korea look as tacky as those Samsung suits.What I don't understand is why anyone would come to Korea as a medical tourist . With all the fraud, cheating, and white envelopes that goes on in academia here I would seriously question the competency of any doctor I saw. And after the price gouging what is their left to do in Korea? Visit the Soviet style tenements they erected all over Seoul. How about Namdaemun , oh right burned down their #1 national treasure with a BIC lighter a few years ago. To be honest I have lived here for years and I can't even think of more than a days worth of activity in the entire country. Though the watermelon museum was nice.


When I got to Korea last March the first thing I did was get my AIDS test. This is some discriminatory bullshit that all foreign teachers must do to get your alien card. So my boss picks me up and takes me to the country hospital. First thing they do is give me a Dixie Cup. I'm looking at this thing like you want me to brush my teeth. No, I'm expected to pee in this cup so I take it down the hall and I piss in the cup, on the cup, on my hand , and on the toilet seat. I clean it up as best I can and then I march down the hall carrying a cup of my own piss. I hand it to the girl ; who wasn't wearing any gloves , and I proceed to my next test. She has me sit at a table and pulls out a needle. That bitch could have taken that needle out of her own ass, I didn't see her unwrap shit. So now she's taking my blood without gloves. She finishes and I move on to a different tech in a room the size of a small restaurant. In this room the tech tells me to take off my clothes. I'm waiting for him to point to a smaller room. Since no pointing was forthcoming I asked in Korean where? He said here. Now I knew some kimchi fuckery was a foot because unless they changed the rules in the last 2 days I knew that they only checked for AIDS and possibly marijuana and you don't have to strip down for either of those test. My boss is watching the entire process so I ask him why is it necessary to for me get semi-naked. He asked the tech and then told me the tech wants to get an accurate height and weight measurement. I thought I was here to teach English not pick cotton . I think he was going to check my teeth and gums next.
I refused to do any test unclothed and he relented they then tested my vision, hearing, and reflexes. About a week later I'm sitting in my boss's car and he pulls out my medical chart and says you don't have AIDS ( no shit who wouldn't have that test done before flying half way around the world on my own dime) but you should watch your cholesterol. To this day I don't understand why the hospital gave him the results to the medical test I paid for. When I worked at Social Security I would have been subject to arrest for giving out somebodies personal info.

I got pink eye and an ear infection at the same time when I was living at the bathhouse. I suffered in silence for about a week until I was finally taken to a Korean doctor. Since i didn't have insurance the doctor's visit was 12.00 and he did his examine and gave me the prescription. He gave me a prescription for 2 days worth of medicine. Which meant I would have to pay that money grubbing son of a bitch for another prescription. I did that twice and on the third visit I told him I want 5 days worth of medicine I'm going down to Busan. He lied and made excuses but he finally relented.

Some people who read this might think I am a bit harsh. Why do you say that Korean doctors might be incompotent. I don't know the last hospital I went to had a funeral home attached to it.
I guess these money grubbers will get their money one way or the other.

This picture was taken at Dongsan Medical Center in lovely Daegu

tip: if you find yourself in need of medical assistance in Korea look for a hospital which is US Forces Korea authorized, those hospitals have been vetted by the military for cleanliness and general un-Korean bullshit.

Dictated not Read

Friday, February 12, 2010

Korea is Korean for Aggravation

***Disclaimer*** Most of this was written while i was in Thailand last month

I'm currently in Bangkok Thailand but I couldn't escape from Korea without a healthy dose of Korean Bullshit. It is almost like the country conspired to give me a bullshit going away gift.I went to Daegu Friday morning at 9:00 and caught the train to the subway stop just shy of the airport. I drag all my bags over to the first taxi at the stand and ask him in Korean to take me to the airport. I generally have a 60% success rate with Korean cabs taking me where I want to go. For a variety of reasons I'm not privy to, a lot of the cabs just wave me off. So the guy indicates with his hand to get in and turns on the meter. I had to go back and get my luggage from the sidewalk and put them in the trunk(by myself) while the meter is running. The fare was only 2.40$ and I would have let him keep the change from the 3.00 I gave him but he wanted to be an asshole with the meter so I took all my money back.

I go into the airport and get in line for my tickets when a couple of Korean women push past me in the line. I smile and resume my place in front of them because my Korean isn't good enough to call them motherless cunts. I get to the counter and the guy asked where I was going so I handed him the itinerary. Head scratch, conference in Korean, head scratch.

Ticket Guy: You go Beijing or Bangkok
Me: Bangkok via Beijing
Ticket Guy: O.K. here is a ticket to Beijing

Now I've got to change my won over to Thai baht so I look for the money exchange. I walk up to a building that was sealed tighter than a nun's vagina with a sign that read hours 9:00 a.m. until 11:00 p.m. It being 10:30 in the morning in Korea of course it wasn't open. So I head upstairs where I see the second branch of Daegu Exchange Bank. I head to the window and give her three wrapped stacks of 10,000 won notes and ask her for Thai Baht.

She then gives me a variation of this look( which I think they practice you see it frequently in advertisements)

I don't know if I am suppose to be so bowled over by her crunchy cuteness that I wouldn't dare embarrass her by forcing her to execute my transaction or what but I wanted my damn baht. So she says you must go to main branch downstairs. I let her know that it is closed. She pauses for about 10 seconds too long and decides to call down there to verify that they are indeed closed. She looks puzzled and decides to call someone else. Meanwhile, a gentle pressure is being applied to my back by the 4 Koreans behind. It is as if they are trying to phase through me so they can get to the counter a millisecond sooner than if I simply stepped aside. The manager comes up to the stand holding about 10,000 baht. I could eyeball it and tell that he didn't have nearly enough money in his hand. So she gives me another look while the manager scampers off.

While waiting for the money I see that the airport has courtesy computer terminals so I saunter on over. There I find a Korean woman and her 2 kids taking up all three terminals playing computer games. What the kimchi? I stand there for 3 or 4 minutes and the father showing remarkable good sense makes his wife get off the computer. I went back to the counter and picked up my baht after he made a second trip downstairs.

I fly China Air which is the shittiest airline in Christendom. They keep that airplane at a balmy 55 degrees and for the meal they served egg fried rice. I land at the airport and of course Korean bullshit has now followed me to China. The ticketing agent in Daegu didn't give me a second ticket to Bangkok. So I had to get out of line and go all the way over to the ticket desk and have Chinese women look at me like I'm an asshole. They wanted to charge me a fee to reprint the ticket. I laughed and refused and they relented.

I was having a good Korean bullshit free time when I decided to try to check my balance. Bad move apparently foreigner bank account information cannot be accessed from overseas. Now that I have invited KBS into my life continue on by calling the school to make sure my money was deposited. You see children the secretary has fucked up paying me on time 3 out of the 10 paychecks I have received and much like much of what goes on here it wasn't malice just good old fashioned incompetence . The funny part about the system is every other teacher, principal, lunch lady, secretary, and janitor gets paid on the 15th. So by the time my pay rolls around she has long since stopped thinking about payroll issues. I think they like having a chance to fuck something else up in the life of a foreigner.

I fly back to Daegu on Friday tired and a bit cranky after sitting at the gate in Beijing for 2 hours on a sunny day with no explanation. I get off the plane in Daegu pass through the thermal imager and that is when I see it children, another metal detector. This is the 6th most interesting city in the 4th (you don't think North Korea is more interesting, a communist dictatorship)most interesting country in East Asia and they think that foreigners are clamoring to smuggle shit in here . I take out my laptop the lady tells me to turn it on. I tell her i can't the battery is depleted and I left the charger in Thailand. She then picks it up and starts looking at it like one of those monkeys in 2010: A Space Odyssey . This bitch is picking it up , turning it sideways, sniffing it. Finally, I took it back from her and pressed the power button. I was hoping that the little light would blink just once so I could go about my day. It did and she let me put my clothes back on leave.

Dictated not Read

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Runchee Sexing Dinner(Chicken Rape)

A palate cleanser

Music Playlist at

An Idiot's Life

Korea Spendor vol 1

Smithee: Oh Goody my wife comes back in 3 days
Good thing because I'm down to my last 5.00 dollars
If I'm lucky it will be one of the three days of the month she isn't on the rag.

Dog: Fuck me I wish I was a bowl of soup

Vol II

Panel 2
You da vely stoopid man
You no remember sing and dancing academy

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Once Upon A Time in Korea (An Idiot's Tale)

Once upon a time not long ago
When people wore pajamas and lived life slow
There was a boy named Smithee
who lived a sad life that was quite a pity

Smithee was born to a mother who was/is a racist hag
And an uncle who was a racist fag
Now his life was quite sad you see
Because while being one he couldn't seem to get any pussy

So our hero Smithee
Sailed across the East Sea
Thinking to himself maybe I can get some pussy
In the land of kimchi

He landed in Korea
And oh what luck
He found that Korean Mud Ducks
Would actually let him fuck

In Korea his time was sublime
Soju, norebang, p.c. rooms, and mountains to climb
He became the greatest of the great kimchi cheerleaders
Until that faithful day he met his own kimchi crotchbleeder

With her large kimchi head and tiny black eyes
She knew our boy Smithee would be quite a prize
She said to herself that it would be fun I suppose
To lead a stupid waegookin around by the nose

Now being an honest woman she was a bitch from the start
Making him carry her purse around the local E-Mart
He should have run at this part
But too late children he already gave her his heart

Standing around smiling stupidly at all her family events
The decisions of our boy Smithee made no sense
Then one day our hero got down on one knee to propose
And with that act a lifetime of indentured servitude he chose

Now this Dragon Cunt would bitch about life in all of its facets
And to punctuate her points her sharp tounge and left hook were her greatest assets
She controlled his money,his fashion, his comings and going ,all but his drinking
What a Titanic size mistake I made with my life he is thinking

After 10 years of perpetual PMS
Our boy Smithee gets an idea, he knows what's best
He said" I know what to do , I know how to treat her
I'll do what Whoopi told Harpo to do and beat her

Imagine two bitches slapping each other as she smiles her Dragon Cunt smile with glee
For your egregious act of slapping me
I will now go out and buy a shitty puppy
Well I am Smithee and I am going to run around outside naked to embarass your family.

Now being a Dragon Cunt she decides to take a vacation
Leaving our hero a shitty dog, 400 bucks,and Youporn masturbation
To this qagumire of shit the wise Mike in Korea tried to lend a hand
But our champion rebuffed him because his man pussy was filled with sand

His apartment full of shit, empty Jinro, and dog, life is now hard
Especially with no money, bankbook , or atm card
You see Dragon Cunt doesn't trust our savior Smithhee with money for fear he may flee
So she gave all of his financial information to her mommy

What to do in this situation he drew a blank
While 99.999% of people would just go to the bank
So on his hands his knees to the evil Rice Queen he did crawl
Scared to explain to the evil Dragon Cunt any unauthorized withdrawal

To Smithee, Mike was taught to be a "Man for Others" and a helper
So here is the number for a Seoul Battered Women's Shelter (02 2263-6465)
To my children I hope you enjoyed the tale but Smithee won't live happily
But please please please remember the moral to the story
You can be a man
Or you can be a Smithee

Music Playlist at

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The 10 Kimchi Commandments

In honor of Flint

Rule #1 Honesty is not the Best Policy
In the land of kimchi
You'll be up shit's creek
If you don't lie and sneak
Take it from me
Honesty is costly
I told my boss I was leaving
So 1.5(mil) she was thieving

#2 Leave the Koreans Be
Did you come here to make friends or to make money
I don't know about you
But I'm no dope
When I want to see Koreans up close
I use a telescope.

#3 Don't trust nobody
Surrounded by the Korean phoney
And the foreigner clown
don't be a standup dude when everybody else sits down

Never cause a Korean to lose face
unless you want major problems in this place
Surrounded by luxury and riches
if embarassed they still act like bitches
For my money the best idea
is to play the stupid waegook in Korea

#5 That contract aint worth the toilet paper in a fat ladies ass crack
You might think it's your most prized possession
But this is Korea son
and those are just suggestions

#6 That Goddamn credit
dead it
Think a Korean is grateful for extra work
forget it
All that spicy kimchi
Causes real short memory
Tell them it is quid pro quo
Want something from me
let's discuss time off or doe

#7 This rule is for the long legged Mack Daddy novice
But For any true player completely obvious
Keep your money and your bitch completely seperated
Otherwise you'll sound like a real dummy
asking your mother-in-law for an advance on Your money.

#8 Stay out of Korean Bullshit
Whatever the situation is you can't help it
With your "Truth, Justice and the American Way"
I once saw a chick getting her ass kicked and I looked the other way
Because if I would have laid hands on him who do you think would have to pay?

#9 Keep your fucking hands to your self
Unless you like handing over your wealth
Don't believe me
The going rate for striking a Korean in self-defense is 4.3(mil won)
If you have to fight I suggest you win quick
When he does his Tae Kwon Do Show
Kick him in the dick

#10 Should have been #1 for me
Never lose sight of the money
You are not a teacher
And this is not a school
You are a parent appeaser
Being employed by a fool
So the #1 golden rule of teachers of Englishee
Say whatever you want it's cool
But at the end of the day fuck you pay me

Music Playlist at

Friday, February 5, 2010

The King Lives On (Homecoming Week)

I once read a story about a guy in Japan who use to fingerbang Japanese chicks and then sniff his fingers on the trains back home so he could relive the experience. While disturbing I understood his desire to relish in a pleasurable moment for as long as possible. To that end I stayed in my apartment for 55 straight hours trying to cleave to my Thailand memories. While in the apartment I decided that maybe I'll try to be a better and more positive person in Korea as I wind down my contractual obligation here.


Sunday I go out for some bottled water at about 9:30 p.m. (because even though this is supposedly a first world nation with a G20 economy you can't drink the water) and on my way back to the apartment I get stopped by the police while I am changing songs on my ipod in my left hand and holding a bag of groceries in my right. So he starts in with his Korean Bullshit questions in Korean and I understand what he was asking I just didn't care to answer him it is cold and I don't what to play kimchi 20 questions. Everything he asked me I answered with I don't speak Korean. I do this because I know his English couldn't possibly be good enough to question me in English because if it was he would have gotten a better score on his police exam and he wouldn't have to work in shitty Hapcheon. Officer Friendly switches to English and starts asking me questions in very bad English. I pretend like I don't understand his pronunciation until he asked me where I lived. At that point I start laughing because that question wouldn't have been asked by an intuitive 6 year old let alone a fucking cop. At that point he must have realize how retarded the question was because he signaled for his partner to drive off.

You see children I live at the end of a long winding road with a residential high school on the left and on the right is a rice paddy( I once saw an old lady drop a deuce in there from my window) and next to it is two studio apartment buildings called Han-Mi or Kor(ea)-Am(erica) studio apartments. 40% of the foreign teacher community of Hapcheon live in that building and there isn't another large residential building for 2 miles in any direction.

If you ever have a chance to watch Korean t.v. you'll notice that every American police procedural is shown here. C.S.I, Law and Order, NCIS, Criminal Minds , etc and I think it is because their own constabulary is only capable of two things arranging blood money payments and phone book beatings.

Scene at a Korean Police Station

Ms Smith: I was raped by Mr. Lee I want justice
Officer: I see how about 4,000 dollars
Mr. Lee: I'll be good goddamned if I'll pay 4,000 for waegook pussy. She isn't even part of
the pure race. I won't pay a penny more over 1,500. 2,000 if she agrees to leave
the country.


My school has decided that since I live 45 minutes by slow country bus from school and the kids are only there for seventy minutes I should come in and teach them alone. So I pay 7.00 dollars every day to babysit for seventy minutes. Then I get on the bus at 1:20 and go home. So Monday I'm standing outside of the bodega where I buy my bus ticket refusing to buy my kids candy(if I'm on Atkins I'll be damned if I'm going to buy candy) when a grey shitty old van pulls to an abrupt stop at the curb.

Three men hustle out and start screaming something and looking in my direction the three guys don't even bother to slide the panel shut.. I'm thinking they are in quite a hurry to buy beer until I notice they are trying to surround me . My asshole students shrink away and these assholes are coming closer. I was wearing a black hoodie pulled up with a black scully and black Oakely sunglasses with the Black Iridium tint and big ass black headphones( to discourage conversation attempts from Koreans)listening to Ready to Die from Big. I back into the Bloody Roar arcade game and reach into my Black messenger bag for my Korean shank.

In my mind these three are assholes who want to engage in a few rounds of fuck with the foreigner. Right idea wrong person.I'm thinking I'm about to be abducted or some shit. Do they have amber alerts in Korea? Black Child on a milk carton?

So I'm gripping the blade in the bag and they have me surrounded when the asshole with a comb over and the part that starts at the top of his ear asked me my name and shows me his badge. No photo or i.d. card just a tiny shield that says Immigration on it. In retrospect I should have asked the two other guys for their i.d.'s as well or waited for the actual police but I was so glad that I wouldn't have to hurt one of those dicks that I just complied . I tell him my name is Mike he then asks me for my Alien Registration Card and I give it to him. He studies it for a beat and says the name is different here. I know, my first name is nearly unpronounceable for Koreans so I am called Mike to accommodate. He then goes E-2 so you are a teacher? Rhetorical question plus he is a dick so I don't answer. He then asked me where do you teach which is a rather stupid question considering they just dispersed a bunch of school age children who obviously knew me and Yaro Korea is a one whore town with no industry a population under 3,000 and exactly 34 buildings. There is no reason on God's beautiful green Earth for anyone to stop in Yaro for any reason except to get gas unless you have very specific business that could only be performed there. So I say Yaro which satisfies him enough to give me my i.d. and get back in the van with his cohorts and leave. What I don't understand is the use of such heavy handed tactics . I stick out like Bin Laden in Mayberry, in Yaro there wasn't any place to run to, the one bus that comes every 4hours only stops in one place and there are two taxis that serve the community. In addition the next town is 15 kilometers south on the same road. To this day I'm only 60% sure that they were actual immigration agents and not just a group of Koreans looking to break balls.

An old ass Korean lady stepped on my foot as is their prerogative here. I was particularly upset because i had just bought some wheat colored Timberlands from Thailand. You can't even get those shoes in Korea and this rude cunt with shoe polished black hair steps on my foot and then looks at me like I'm the problem for being in her way.

I went to the market and got 8 cans of chicken and a box of popcorn with English gibberish on it. I unload the basket and as I wait for her to start scanning an old man walks up gives her a bag of apples she scans it and then he starts to fish around for money. So I go "What the Fuck" and I guess she realises what she did was wrong because she starts to say sorry but I'm pissed so I leave the store.

My Samsung Hard Drive 140.00
Born: December 19, 2009
Died : February 04 2010
I guess the miracle of the Han is convincing so many people to buy shitty Korean products

The piece de resistance of Korean Bullshit. I buy my ticket to go home from the lady at the store and I am waiting for the 1:20 bus back to Hapcheon. So he shows up at 1:30(Korean people time) and when I go to get on the bus he is wagging his finger no like Dikembe Mutombo and refusing to let me get on the bus. The bus drives off and then the helpful store lady comes out and says you missed the bus. I then take a taxi home for 28.00.

I feel like my life here is like the movie Final Destination only instead of death it is Korean Bullshit that is determined to destroy me. After all of that I must say that I am most upset with the cunt in the store that stepped on my shoe.