Saturday, November 28, 2009


The poverty of our century is unlike that of any other. It is not, as poverty was before, the result of natural scarcity, but of a set of priorities imposed upon the rest of the world by the rich. Consequently, the modern poor are not pitied...but written off as trash. The twentieth-century consumer economy has produced the first culture for which a beggar is a reminder of nothing. ~John Berger

I was going to write a post about my desires to kill my Korean boss over money but i feel that the story would lack depth and understanding unless my children understood where I was raised and how I was socialize. So, I decided to prologue that post with this post explaining what kind of man is produced in an inner-city ghetto of a declining city in the late 80's and early 90's.This video was filmed on my street

I saw my first body at the age of 11. My friend's father was called Brownie and Brownie was a good dude to us kids coming up. He would build tire swings in the backyard and forts and milk crate basketball hoops. He was a small man but thickly built until about 1988. That's when crack hit St.Clair real hard and Brownie got caught up in the mix. So it was the fall of 1988 and he took an ounce of cocaine to cook up and sell from some young cats that were hustling. He takes the cocaine and binges out so now he doesn't have the crack or the money. The young boys take it as disrespect because the streets are watching and if they let that slide they might as well pack up because they will be in danger every time they set up on the corner. They put the word on the street that they are going to kill him when they see him.

I usually go out of the front door of my families duplex but on that day for whatever reason I went out of the back door. That decision might have saved my families' life. I'm in the backyard shooting hoops when I hear gunfire. By this time in my life I was pretty use to gunshots so I could tell that they were a ways down the street. But as the gunshots kept ringing the sound was getting closer so I ran and hid behind the garage. What was happening was Brownie was being chased down the street by two teenagers shooting at him. They were closing rapidly and in a last ditch effort to save his life he ran up on my porch and tried to enter through the front door. Failing to open the door he jumped off the porch and ran around my mothers car turned to see where the boys trying to kill him were and got a 50-cent piece size hole in his head. I remember to this day the hole in that guys head and the kids crying while telling me the story of what they saw. For the next 4 or 5 years my nights consisted of me sleepwalking up and downstairs checking door locks.

I respect the Koreans because their children get to be kids for a long time. I teach 16 year olds who are more child-like an innocent than I was at 7 or 8 years old. Ghetto years are like dog years and your personal safety and security become a primary concern very early in life. Being a child is no protection against the wolves. When I was 12 years old I was walking home from St. Aloysius elementary school and I decided to stop in the corner store to play Ring Out. I ask the Arab clerk for 4 quarters and I handed him a 5.00$ bill. My mother had given me that money to buy a treat at the school carnival. He gives me 4 quarters. So I ask him for my change and he tells me that all I asked for was 4 quarters so that is what he gave me. I walk out of the store crying and I get about 3/4 of the way home when I decide I'm getting my money no matter what. I turn around;wipe the snot from my nose, and march back to the store. I'm a small boy so I needed something to even the odds I grab an empty 40oz bottle before i go back in the store. I ask him for my money again and he says no and then he tells me to get the fuck out of his store. Now at this point I would have let it go because I was scared to death of him but when he cursed at me all my fear went away. I say o.k. let me have some Now-n-laters I give him the quarter he opens the register and I thew the bottle in his face as hard as I could I then reached up and took all the one dollar bills out of the register and ran out of the store. I was nervous for weeks because I literally walked past that store everyday on my way home. One of my friends who lived in that neighborhood told me he thought he might have lost his eye
but I don't think that it was true.

When I was about 9 or 10 I was sitting on the porch with my friend Dinky when his uncle pulls up in a gleaming late model BMW. Earl;a pimp and drug dealer, jumps out of the car in his Brooks Brothers suit and Gucci loafers and calls Dink over to the car. Earl's girlfriend Paula gives Dink a kiss on the lips and Earl pulls out a wad of cash about 6 inches thick and hands Dinky 3 new 100$ bills for shopping. I'm standing there staring so he calls me over . I'm looking at his money and he slaps me in the head. He tells " me never look at another man's money boy, that shit'll get you killt out here" after the admonishing. He peels off a hundred and gives it to me. I took that money and flew home to put it in my Tootsie Roll bank. I get home and my mother and father are sitting in the bedroom watching t.v. so I tell them about Mr. Earl's largess. My father without missing a beat says give it back you don't want nothing for free in this world. He gave you 100 now you owe that man. You don't want to owe and if you want or need something I'll provide it. I was embarassed to give the money back but I think old Earl respected my father for making me do it.

So these are some of the lessons I learned in the hood. Your word is everything and having a bad reputation might cost you your life. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Now these values are diametrically oppose to the values of the Korean bosses I have had. Keep this in mind when I post Freedom Papers my attempt to buy my freedom in Korea.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Prayer Changes Nothing.

0h brother, pray; in spite of Satan, pray; spend hours in prayer; rather neglect friends than not pray; rather fast, and lose breakfast, dinner, tea, and supper - and sleep too - than not pray. And we must not talk about prayer, we must pray in right earnest. The Lord is near. He comes softly while the virgins slumber."(I like this invocation because it makes God seem like a child molester.)

Before my conversion to virulent atheism I was first associate pastor and choir director (even though I'm not gay) of Bedside Baptist Holy City Faith and Deliverance Ministries Center of Love African Methodist Episcopalian Church of God In Christ.My co-worker at Social Security didn't think that being an associate pastor at B.B.H.C.F.D.M.C.L.A.M.E.C.O.G.I.C. was fulfilling my spiritual needs. So everyday we would join hands and I would recite a DMX prayer complete with tone and awkward cadence.
When I came to Korea I found myself in the need of the Lord's assistance in dealing with my new co-warriors for Christ so I developed new prayers. Please feel free to use any prayer you see here until my copyright goes through.

(Why is this dude screaming and whispering)

Protection(my first night in Korea)

Dear "God and baby Jesus" please protect my asshole. I just got off of an 18 hour flight and I cannot stay awake Lord. Cunt Lee threw me into a sketchy apartment with interior doors that don't lock and the promise of a night time visitor. Please sweet baby Jesus you know I sleep on my stomach I beg of you o' merciful lord that my Irish roommate does not have the taste for sweet chocolate ass tonight. In Jesus name

Supplication(my 3rd week in Korea)

Dear "God of the armies of Israel" thank you for keeping the Irishman out of my asshole.It was touch n go a couple of nights but you saw me through it. Now blood of the eternal lamb of peace we have bigger problems. There is the lady called Cunt Lee who insist on not paying me what she owes. She is also being very mean to me. So please dear baby Jesus away in the manger no crib for a bed give her brain and ass cancer. I want the cancer from the top of her head to roll around up there for a few years while the ass cancer is having a party down below. After a few years sweet Jesus let the two cancers meet in the spot where her heart should be and she dies. On the way to her funeral please Jesus let her skinny jean wearing husband die on that fucking Schwinn bicycle by getting his ponytail caught in a garbage truck. In Jesus name

Comfort(2 months later)

Dear "The stone which the builders disallowed" I know it has been a while but frankly we only talk when I want something(by the by haven't heard anything about ass or brain cancer) anywho please show me your overwhelming love for me by removing the need to eat regularly. You see I am a selfish and broken vessel O lord. I selfishly want to receive payment for work I have performed for Cunt Lee instead of being happy about the involuntary fast she has placed me on for your glory. Also I know that paying for heat might get in the way of tithing so I know your spiritual angel Cunt Lee placed me in an apartment with no heat. Thank you Jesus in your infinite wisdom for delivering me into the hands of Cunt Lee. In Jesus Name

Physical Healing(5 months later)

Dear "The shadow of a great rock in a weary land", still no word on the cancers I ordered up. Anyway as I lay here in the fetal position thank you for delivering me into the land of kimchi with no anti-bodies to any local strains of disease. I know it was not my place to suckle on a Korean teat during my small years but can you in your infinite wisdom please lift one of my plagues as I continue living in this Korean bathhouse lord. I mean the pink eye is glorious (never had it before), the rash was aged to perfection, and the ear infection tres magnifique. But a runny nose, I must draw the line here. Every time I blow my nose the Koreans take it as a signal for free English lessons and I have a very sore throat. I'm going to go bathe in the hepatitis pool now Jesus I'll speak to you soon. In Jesus Name.

Mike in Korea

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Quick Thoughts

If you have an exotic pet please kill yourself.

I am an anti-pet person. I mean what the fuck is a matter with you? You can't find any companionship. So you throw in with this animal which is like a baby that will never grow up.Please kill yourself you lonely motherfucker. If you have children and they ask for a pet tell them the same thing my mother told my little brother. "You better go find you a goddamn friend and leave me the fuck alone" Now i have many reasons to hate pets but here are a few

I don't want to step in shit
I don't want to see shit
I'don't want to smell shit
I don't want to see you picking up shit
I don't want to look down as I am walking through a field to avoid shit
I don't want to see shit stains
I don't want to hear barking
I don't want your dog that you trained to only bark at Black people barking at me
I don't want cat/dog hair on me.
I don't want you low self esteem/small dick assholes walking around with your dogs trying to scare me.
I don't want to see your boa constrictor or python
I don't want to see an exotic bird on your shoulder unless you are a goddamn pirate.
Some of you special motherfuckers can't be bothered with a regular pain in the ass pet. I'm talking to you ferret, pot bellied pig, flying squirrel motherfuckers.You aren't special or cool because of your tarantulas or fucking wombats. You are the pet world's version of an Ed Hardy wearer.

Horse Fuckery
There is a guy in South Carolina who likes fucking a particular horse .I hate horses but if you can find a horse that will let you fuck it then you found the right fucking horse . Because I guarantee you if that horse didn't want to be fucked that owner would find a dead pervert with his Underoos around his knees and a hoof size hole in his chest.I blame the owner for two reasons.

Reason #1 The owner bought a horse who liked to be fucked by humans and she can't protect it.
Reason #2 I think she is standing in the way of love . Just imagine it he sneaks into the stable and he looks into the horses eyes the horse looks into his eyes and the Etta James plays.

Now some of you All-American freedom loving assholes own bears,tigers, lions,monkeys etc.
Please get thee to a cliff immediately. When I was growing up in Cleveland there was a drug dealer named Doos(I'm not stupid that is how he spelled it) who was about 19 years old and had a yellow Corvette convertible he used to make deliveries in. Now this Mensa member took some of his drug profits and bought a baby monkey. This fucking monkey always smelled like shit and his only talent was pulling the bikini tops off girls at the beach. Later that asshole Doos gets shot in the head in that conspicuous ass car and at the wake his dumbass mother is walking around asking people if they want to adopt the monkey. I told her naaw bitch that's your new grandchild , hell he was already called Doos jr.

I propose a new rule. If a pet is acting in anyway that is annoying to a human being that person has the right to terminate that animal.I call it the Terminate on Sight(T.O.S)or Taking Out Spot Law. If you are an American please contact your member of Congress and tell them you back my resolution.


Cleveland is a postindustrial wasteland on the banks of Lake Erie which has the unfortunate location of being down river from Detroit. It is an embarassment and an abomination to call that place my hometown.Cleveland is the home of the Rock&Roll Hall of Fame and Museum. Now most induction ceremonies for museums happen at the actual museum. Not the Rock Hall. The musicians decided that Cleveland is a waste of time and they would rather perform in New York. So they have the ceremony in New York and show it on a t.v. inside the hall of fame.

I am the only bright spot in that entire city and I left last March. So what did the good citizens do to make me proud. They went and got themselves some international coverage. We had the cross dressing mayor. to be fair it was the mayor of East Cleveland Ohio.If you ever flushed your toilet and wonder where all the excrement goes there you go. ITt is the place people move to when paying 350 dollars a month in some Cleveland ghetto is a little to steep.(BTW the actual mayor of Cleveland has a Cab Calloway early Malcolm X style conk watch the video)
Then it was the serial killer stockpiling women's bodies like cord wood in his basement. That story had legs I saw it on Al Jazeera and Korean news. One of my co-teachers asked me Mike where are you from again? Not from there motherfucker. I think I am going to tell people here I'm from Laurel Delaware and watch their head explode trying to pronounce it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Theme Song For every Native English Teacher in Korea

When the stress gets high. Just start singing this song.

Freedom Papers Part 1

"If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together."

I bought my emancipation from Cunt Lee and gay husband on September 15, 2007 for the grand total of 877,853won. You see children I tried to be nice and accomadating to my Korean bosses. I tried negotiation. I tried sweet talk. I tried to appeal to their sense of fair play, honor, and justice. The darkness was coming and my depression was looming. After a summer of being called a nigger and treated worse I decided that I wanted my freedom. What brought things to head was the eminent departure of my friend Tish Dogg , the threat of witholding pay if I ever took another sick day even though I had 10 contractual paid sick days, and her revolving cast of idiot school managers.


So I am sitting in a meeting with the entire teaching staff of International Sesamee and the school manager is passing out a rather thick document. Now ususally I listen to my ipod during group meetings because the meeting is usually conducted in Korean even though everyone present speaks English on some level. So I pick up the packet and I realize that he has just distributed a copy of my contract to everyone at the meeting. Now I am disturbed by the blatant disrespect so I take off the head phones and call him out.

Me: What is this Park?
Park: It is a contract I want to talk about foreign teacher behavior.
Me: Why are we looking at my contract though? Mrs. Lee has had 20 foreign teachers
in the last year? Plus the contract has my personal compensation information
on it.
So we continue the meeting with me interrupting him about every 15 seconds for either clarification or to refute what he is saying. It was like the running commentary in Mystery Science 3000. He gets frustrated and calls Mrs. Lee who calls me into a room and says she isn't happy with my behavior.So I said how about this I'll give you my 30 days written notice right now but I want my visa canceled. We agree and then she adds the noncontractual caveat that I may or not pay for this month depending on how I feel about you.

I'm working my ass off and keeping my mouth shut but I keep meeting with the school principal. Her shitty organization was renting space in an elementary and becase of that arrangement the school principal dictated a lot of what went on inside of our academy. I would have this Korean girl I was seeing translate my thoughts about the school into Korean and i gave the notes to the principal. After a few weeks of this Mrs. Lee said stop it you are stressing him out and he has cancer. I told her I'll stop when you pay what you owe . A morning of chemo and an afternoon of me. I was just letting him know how Super Ugly it could get and how his cushy job at an affluent elementary school could turn real shitty real quick with me in the building. One of my letters reminded him that the children walk to school everyday and it wouldn't look good if I was begging for money in front of the school every day with signs and fliers .

Now most people in my situation would do;what we call in the industry, a midnight run. A midnight run is when a teacher gets fed up with whatever KBS they are going through at the time and decides to leave the country without proper notice. This was unacceptable for me because I believe in acting honorably and being a man of my word. That lesson; and the consequences, was drilled in to me after seeing a dead body in my front yard.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Nigerians, Fat Chicks, and Mud Ducks

One of my Korean readers sent in a comment describing me as a fried chicken eating, watermelon loving, Kool-Aid drinking nigger in so many words. I thought it was so funny that I was going to write a post about the Korean love affair with fried chicken and watermelon and call it Black Like Me. But quite frankly I didn't feel like going to get art for the post. So instead I have decided to dedicate this post to answering a reader question.

I have read a lot of accounts of the Nigerian wannabe gangsters and stuff in Itaewon. Are they really a big problem over there?

Well children I personally respect the Nigerians hustle. From all accounts Nigeria is a terrible violent place racked with crime and poverty. To escape Nigeria men; and some women, get on planes and fly thousands of miles for a chance at a new and better life.I respect that because there are cats in my neighborhood in Cleveland who wouldn't go to Akron in search of work. I have met Nigerians in Japan, Thailand, and Korea . When they come to Korea they have to take the 3D (dangerous, dirty,difficult) jobs for as little as 3.00 dollars per hour. Those with enough hustle and luck escape the Korean factories and open their own businesses in Itaewon. Mostly clothes and hair shops but a few make money by shoving drugs into their assholes and smuggling it around Asia. Now to get a resident visa a Nigerian must marry a Korean woman and that is where the fake gangsterism comes in.

There is a certain type of Korean woman who is enthralled by hip hop culture. You'll see her walking around in a velour Phat Farm short set with a Kangol and door knocker earrings. The male counterpart to this is not actual African-American men in Korea. Rather it is the Nigerians who wear full basketball uniforms, wave caps incorrectly, matching tennis shoes, and fake gold fronts. It is like they are channeling 50 cent and Lil Jon at the same time. So anyway the prime mating ground of these two species is a club in Itaewon called the King's Club. The King's Club is dark and tacky with Filipina bar girls and a tiny dance floor. I have been there on a few occasions and I have literally seen Nigerian cats push Black women out of the way to get to at a fat white girl or Korean mud duck in her entourage.

I was sitting in a restaurant reading my 15.00$ G.Q. magazine when this Nigerian cat and white girl came in and sat at the adjacent table. The white girl looked like a blond version of Ruby and the Nigerian looked like Soulja Boy. So I'm sitting here listening to their conversation and he is laying it on thick.

Nigerian (in his cookie monster accent): You are the prettiest girl I have ever seen
White Girl( in her Texas corn pone drawl): Really
Nigerian: Yes you are so sexy to me I love your skin
White Girl: Oh thank you
Nigerian: You have a sexy body

Now here children is where I almost threw up in my mouth. The Nigerian cat is looking at me out of the corner of his eye as if he were in a convertible Bentley and I pulled up in a '93 Civic , looking like if you would have made different choices in your life maybe you would be sitting here with all this white woman. So he and I lock eyes and I'm shaking my head no like in one of those movies with a bomb linked to a car ignition switch. But he does it anyway, he involves me in his wack game.

Nigerian: Hey Brudda sexy lady right?
Me: ????????

Now I hate cosigning bullshit and it is a tactical error involving a man you don't know in your game. So I'm stalling and all I can think about is my theories on fat ugly women. You see children I developed this theory about fat ugly women after many months of working for a horrendous looking Black woman at Social Security. This chick was about 5'9 230 lbs of gooey bad attitude wrapped in Lane Bryant polyester pant suits from 1989. She wore tons of foundation (which made her look like she was about to perform a minstrel show) cherry red lipstick and grape colored eyeshadow. The finishing touch was; and I kid you not children, a Stoney Jackson jheri curl . So I would look at this killer clown she-monster everyday and I came to the conclusion that the only way I or any other moderately attractive male would pay her any attention is if she was completely open sexually and bought me things. So I figure in her youth she did just that. She was probably doing anal 25 years ago when it wasn't popular. Guys probably made her get on all fours and rode her around the bedroom in a makeshift master blaster costume. She also looked like she signed for a lot of car loans in her time. ( As an experiment ask your fattest ugliest female friend has she ever heard the phrase " we gon' do some new shit tonight" as a prelude to something humiliating, disgusting, or dangerous. I guarantee she has. )

So I decide that I am going to help old boy out. If he likes it I love it.

Me: Yeah man I was thinking, I hope you go to the bathroom or something so I can talk to her.
I'm feeling the blond hair and and those thick thighs. I bet she has a nice ass. I love a
thick woman. What's your name sweetheart?

So old boy is looking at me like hey that's enough and she is blushing(which makes her look like Santa Claus)

Me: you a lucky dude good thing you got to this woman before I did you two have a good night.

I know I did enough to soak down her panties which should have made it plenty easy for my Nigerian brother to seal the deal. The funny thing is I have seen this scenario played out with Korean women and at the end of three years when the Nigerian cat gets his Korean citizenship he divorces the Korean mud duck and brings over his real wife from Nigeria.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Feats of Negrotude

As the designated darkie for much of Korea I am sometimes called upon to do or explain Black culture to the ignorant. Now if you are ignorant; and I am in a great mood, I have no problem in learning you about the African-American experience in postindustrial America. But sometimes children the Koreans expect a certain level of coonery from me that I am not comfortable with. This causes much consternation in my employers as some of them expected Flavor Flav but got Louis Farrakhan instead.

My first job in Korea was at a school called International Sesamee with Cunt Lee and gay husband. Well Cunt Lee would rarely speak to us because she was embarassed at how poorly she spoke English; even though she supposedly had a MA in Education from Arizona State University, so she would have one of her revolving cast of minions(the school probably had a 600% employee turnover rate) speak to the foreign staff. So one day the school manager comes up to me about an open class for the parents. Now at the school/plantation I was suppose to refer to all the Koreans as Mr. or Mrs. Lee,Kim etc. So I insisted on being called by my last name as well.

Stupid Minion: Mike I need to talk to you
Me : Who?
SM : You, I need to talk to you?
Me : What's my name?
SM : O.k. Harris
Me : Thank you Mr. Kim please continue

They refused to say Mr. Harris and that shit would happen 5x a day. Then he would say something stupid like do you breakdance? Now, children Black people stopped breakdancing in 1984 when it reached its nadir with this movie.

After Shaba Doo was finished with it we never wanted to see a giant radio or another piece of refrigerator cardboard again.

Me :So when the mothers come in to meet their children's English teacher you would
like for me to poplock and do a windmill?
SM :Yes
Me :No. How about buck dancing or ">hambone
SM :I don't understand, do you know rap song parents think it cutie
Me : Really, you think parents want their children to learn a rap song?
SM : yes very cutie

Now I can smell coonery a mile away and i wouldn't have had a problem if everyone had to do ethnically stereotypical shit.Hey Irishman we are going to need you to ">Riverdance and sing "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" . New Zealand girl you have the option of doing a traditional Maori wardance or ">castrating a sheep with your teeth.

Being the good employee that I am I embarked on a mission to teach 5 year olds a rap song.To do this I selected the greatest rap song in the history of rap music. That's right children.

You have not lived until you have heard 15 Korean 5 year olds sing "you can just eat me out" at the top of their lungs. So everyday my boss would ask me how the song is going and if I was practicing. I said of course Mr.Kim. A week before the performance he asked to see the performance and I tried to sort of muffle the opening "motherfucking mouth" but he caught it and said the song had bad language. I said really but lot's of singing for the children and rapping for me.It was later decided that I shouldn't teach any open classes.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Student Beating

"All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing." -Burke

One of my co-teachers smacked a student around and I don't know how to feel. I went to the teacher's office after teaching my lesson to the 8th graders. I walk in the room and one of the other teachers is yelling at a student next to my desk. So I sit down and the kid is maybe two feet away from me when suddenly the teacher jumps up and gives the kid an open handed smack hard. He smacked him again this time using his left hand and then again using his right. The entire time he's yelling and screaming. He alternated hands slapping him in the face for five blows. He then started punching him in the forehead hard. While this is going on, I am looking around at the other teachers for a reaction. Most are pretending not to notice but a few were actually smirking. So I'm seeing this and I'm getting hot wondering if I should stop him. My every instinct is saying don't get involve with the locals it can only end badly and if I would have gotten up and stopped him the Korean would have reacted forcefully to save face, and then I would have beaten the brakes off of him. On the other hand I hate a bully in any manifestation and striking a child in the face that you know would never hit you back is the clearest case of bullying I could imagine. So I take one look over at the smirking vice principal and I decided to leave the room. I couldn't help the boy and the only thing worse than being beaten is having it done in front of a foreigner.

Now for the rest of my life I'll have to wonder if I made the right decision. I truly only regret three things in my life and they all revolve around me failing to do the right thing. But had I acted, well let us just say that I know how that story ends also. I strike a Korean I get arrested and jailed until I pay a huge fine to the Korean guy and then with the little money I have left I get sent back to America. Plus I only teach two days per week at this school and this teacher is always involved with disciplining some boys. There is no telling what he does when I am not there. Maybe I am just rationalizing and justifying my cowardice in the face of injustice. I guess I'll have a lifetime to think about it. Thanks Korea

Guess what subject the teacher in the story taught. It should be fairly obvious to anyone who went to school in America. The first prize is a Korean trinket I picked up in Seoul.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

NY Times

I was working on a new post when I ran across the New York Times piece on racism in Korea. She hit the familiar notes but the story is much deeper here. She could talk about the Nigerians, or the Filipino Juicy Girls, white skin obsession etc.But that's okay children I'll round out your education .Chatting Beauty is on my previous post.
Ny times

Sunday, November 1, 2009

3 types of K.B.S (Korean Bullshit) Part 1

Korea is the land of the Morning Calm and perpetual bullshit. Imagine if you will two people. The first person is the dumbest person you know; you know the guy who would have been trampled by an Elephant,fallen into a ravine, or froze to death a thousand years ago, well combine him with the most arrogant person you know. Now imagine this demented hybrid is your boss, and your co-teacher, and your landlord, and the 7-11 lady, and the bus driver, and the mayor, and the president. You are literally surrounded by incompetence mixed with arrogance in a chocolate martini of shit.This would give you a rudimentary understanding of Korea.

Korean Bullshit

The first level of Korean Bullshit is actually benign. It is the simple inability to get things done in a timely manner. These people act like this is a tropical country and they need a siesta as to not tucker themselves out. You'll often find yourself screaming get finished for the love of God get finished. I live in Hapcheon which is about an hour south of Daegu which is almost in the dead center of the country. Now keep in mind the entire country is roughly the size of Indiana, so why does it take 4.5 hours to drive 180 miles? I'll tell you because of the smoking breaks at each stop and then 2 hours into the journey there is a 20 minute break at a truck stop. When we finally pull into the city of Hapcheon mere yards from our bus stop the asshole bus driver stops and gets gas for five minutes. I don't mean to be a cultural snob but in the west it seems to me the bus driver fills the bus before the trip or after the trip. Hell he could fill it during the 20 minute
potty break if he is that concerned. Banking is another area of bullshit. I went to the bank to do a wire transfer and the girls tell me "Oh so sorry, he not here" as they point to an empty chair. So when will he be back? On Monday they smile as if that is the most natural answer in the world. What kind of bank has only one person authorized to do certain transactions? So I'm trying to explain international exchange rates to idiots and they are smiling so I said fuck it just give me all my money so I can close my account.Though I often want to gouge out my eyes with that fucking spoon you get at every meal, this is the most benign form of KBS.

Foreigner Korean Bullshit

Koreans love to make foreigners jump through additional hoops to get things done. When I go to the bank I have to bring my passport, my immigration card, and the bank card. Koreans only need one of those things. Then if I am transferring more than 10,000 dollars I have to either bring in a signed employment contract or get my boss(or any Korean) on the phone to verify my status.

Me: I like to transfer this money
Korea Bank: We need verification from a Korean
Me(calling Cunt Lee) Massa Lee I sho' wood preciate it if you tell these kind
folks I work on yose plantation
Cunt Lee: You have not been a good boy rately so I say no unress
you promise to teach my gay son extra. aright
Me: Yessa Boss Lady that is mighty kind of youse.

Also Korean banks have different atm cards for foreigners. For example my Citibank cards works anywhere in the world but my KB Star card only works in Korea. when asked about this I was told that foreigners may transfer too much money out of Korea. O.K. bullshit but it would be nice to know before taking a trip to Outer Mongolia that all your bullshit won is locked away for safe keeping. Koreans are under no such restrictions.

Now the phone chart is another delicious morsel of Foreigner KBS. On it you'll see the ranking of individual classes of foreigners. I am ranked the lowest since I neither contain Korean blood nor roll around with mud ducks in wedded bliss. For those reason my only option is to buy a ruinously expensive prepaid card and a used phone. Frankly there isn't anyone on this Godforsaken peninsula I want to speak to that bad. Now I could talk about Korean whores vis-a-vis foreigner bullshit but I rather stick closer to my own experience as a foreign teacher. To teach in Korea foreigners have to undergo a drug test, an H.I.V. test and a criminal background check. Sounds reasonable right? Except Korean teachers don't do any of that and they are the ones fucking the children. Basically, Koreans believe that anything bad that happens in Korea is either the direct result of having foreigners or the influence of foreigners on the "Pure Blooded" Koreans.

Racial Korean Bullshit
I had a 4 year old call me a monkey a few weeks back.She asked me where I was from and I said in Korean I'm American she then corrected me and told me I was African and proceeded to dance like a monkey. O.K. I have looked through textbooks here and seen the depiction of Africans as spearchucking savages. They also have the habit of going to the blackface for comedic purposes every couple of years.
I'll discuss this show on a later date but the guy in the wig is singing about a famous Blackface routine by a Korean comedian. (Roughly the equivalent of Simon Cowell jumping on stage chanting Al Jolson, Jolson,Jolson in Black face).