Sunday, November 1, 2009

3 types of K.B.S (Korean Bullshit) Part 1

Korea is the land of the Morning Calm and perpetual bullshit. Imagine if you will two people. The first person is the dumbest person you know; you know the guy who would have been trampled by an Elephant,fallen into a ravine, or froze to death a thousand years ago, well combine him with the most arrogant person you know. Now imagine this demented hybrid is your boss, and your co-teacher, and your landlord, and the 7-11 lady, and the bus driver, and the mayor, and the president. You are literally surrounded by incompetence mixed with arrogance in a chocolate martini of shit.This would give you a rudimentary understanding of Korea.

Korean Bullshit

The first level of Korean Bullshit is actually benign. It is the simple inability to get things done in a timely manner. These people act like this is a tropical country and they need a siesta as to not tucker themselves out. You'll often find yourself screaming get finished for the love of God get finished. I live in Hapcheon which is about an hour south of Daegu which is almost in the dead center of the country. Now keep in mind the entire country is roughly the size of Indiana, so why does it take 4.5 hours to drive 180 miles? I'll tell you because of the smoking breaks at each stop and then 2 hours into the journey there is a 20 minute break at a truck stop. When we finally pull into the city of Hapcheon mere yards from our bus stop the asshole bus driver stops and gets gas for five minutes. I don't mean to be a cultural snob but in the west it seems to me the bus driver fills the bus before the trip or after the trip. Hell he could fill it during the 20 minute
potty break if he is that concerned. Banking is another area of bullshit. I went to the bank to do a wire transfer and the girls tell me "Oh so sorry, he not here" as they point to an empty chair. So when will he be back? On Monday they smile as if that is the most natural answer in the world. What kind of bank has only one person authorized to do certain transactions? So I'm trying to explain international exchange rates to idiots and they are smiling so I said fuck it just give me all my money so I can close my account.Though I often want to gouge out my eyes with that fucking spoon you get at every meal, this is the most benign form of KBS.

Foreigner Korean Bullshit

Koreans love to make foreigners jump through additional hoops to get things done. When I go to the bank I have to bring my passport, my immigration card, and the bank card. Koreans only need one of those things. Then if I am transferring more than 10,000 dollars I have to either bring in a signed employment contract or get my boss(or any Korean) on the phone to verify my status.

Me: I like to transfer this money
Korea Bank: We need verification from a Korean
Me(calling Cunt Lee) Massa Lee I sho' wood preciate it if you tell these kind
folks I work on yose plantation
Cunt Lee: You have not been a good boy rately so I say no unress
you promise to teach my gay son extra. aright
Me: Yessa Boss Lady that is mighty kind of youse.

Also Korean banks have different atm cards for foreigners. For example my Citibank cards works anywhere in the world but my KB Star card only works in Korea. when asked about this I was told that foreigners may transfer too much money out of Korea. O.K. bullshit but it would be nice to know before taking a trip to Outer Mongolia that all your bullshit won is locked away for safe keeping. Koreans are under no such restrictions.

Now the phone chart is another delicious morsel of Foreigner KBS. On it you'll see the ranking of individual classes of foreigners. I am ranked the lowest since I neither contain Korean blood nor roll around with mud ducks in wedded bliss. For those reason my only option is to buy a ruinously expensive prepaid card and a used phone. Frankly there isn't anyone on this Godforsaken peninsula I want to speak to that bad. Now I could talk about Korean whores vis-a-vis foreigner bullshit but I rather stick closer to my own experience as a foreign teacher. To teach in Korea foreigners have to undergo a drug test, an H.I.V. test and a criminal background check. Sounds reasonable right? Except Korean teachers don't do any of that and they are the ones fucking the children. Basically, Koreans believe that anything bad that happens in Korea is either the direct result of having foreigners or the influence of foreigners on the "Pure Blooded" Koreans.

Racial Korean Bullshit
I had a 4 year old call me a monkey a few weeks back.She asked me where I was from and I said in Korean I'm American she then corrected me and told me I was African and proceeded to dance like a monkey. O.K. I have looked through textbooks here and seen the depiction of Africans as spearchucking savages. They also have the habit of going to the blackface for comedic purposes every couple of years.
I'll discuss this show on a later date but the guy in the wig is singing about a famous Blackface routine by a Korean comedian. (Roughly the equivalent of Simon Cowell jumping on stage chanting Al Jolson, Jolson,Jolson in Black face).


  1. How you've dealt with this shit so long I'll never understand. I guess a corpse on your porch makes everything else child's play.

  2. Massa Lee I sho' wood preciate it if you tell these kind folks I work on yose plantation

    For that alone you stoopid. Laughed so hard. Korea is a trip for foreigners - much less black people. Hilarious - keep speaking the truth.

    The African comment is my favorite. The kids think they are so damn clever if they somehow get that word into a conversation - then the whole class laughs.

    Funny thing is - if I was African - I'd have to be South African to teach they little asses. All, but one of the South Africans I know are white - of dutch decent - just the kind of blonde haired, blue eyed people they aspire to be - like Charlize Theron. That makes me laugh and confuses the shit out of them.