Thursday, March 18, 2010

Korea is like a retarded prostitute's p@$#y

From an Anonymous poster

Man, you sound like a jolted boyfriend who's been dumped on over and over again. So funny.

You know, if it makes you feel any better, my country (Korea) you hate so much is only becoming richer and richer. You're free to hate us on all levels. We'll just continue to thrive, get recognized for our excellence, set new trends around the world (except America where 500 people die each day because they don't have healthcare) and torture your soul. Envy away, baby! Envy away!

I root hard for the Korean economy to improve for the next thirty days. I would love to see the currency valuation double versus the dollar. Nothing would make me happier on God's green Earth. After the 30 days are up and all of my financial ties to Korea are severed I revert to my natural state of glorious indifference to Korea. I don't have a dog in the fight( or on my plate) so why should I care if Korea exports shitty products all over the world and becomes the wealthiest nation on Earth. Or Kim Jung IL nukes the place. I don't give a shit either way

Korea is like a retarded prostitute's pussy.People from around the world come to Korea to fuck it. Do we care about her long term well-being, probably not. Will we call in the morning , Hell no. All the expats you see are here to fuck it for all it's worth and then get the fuck out of here.Some are here to bust that student loan nut, others are pounding away to pay for grad school , still others are creaming all over the Han River to finance their walkabouts. Now I'm only doing a little bit of fucking I teach my contract hours and generally stay out of the way. But I know a lot of fellas fucking Korea like they have three dicks. They are teaching private lessons, on tourist visas, and boning k-girls like they just discovered sex. And all of that is o.k. because Korea wanted it. Like a cheap floozy. But what about your articles on Korean bullshit you say? That's just locker room talk. If a friend asked me if he should ask a retarded girl out I would say she's fucking but this is the retarded bullshit you have to deal with to get to the ass. After reading my blog some people might say that retarded bitch Korea isn't worth it while others would love a chance to fuck retarded Korea, retardedness be damned. As for me I still recommend Korea for some easy retarded pussy. She's gotten a little arrogant in the last two years but she'll let you fuck her if you are persistent.

Look, I'm a long-legged mack daddy like Barack Obama and I don't feel jealousy or envy about anything because once I'm done with something it is finished for me. For example one of my exes married a multi-millionaire. I say good for her she deserves happiness because I was never going back there and I feel the same about Korea.

I hope that makes you feel better.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Kimchee Cheerleader Protest Tips

I seem to have a second blog dedicated to me from a kimchee cheerleader Korean American. All I have to say is I already have a Korean homosexual stalker writing a blog about me so I would like to suggest some other protest techniques that I would find more enjoyable. Since most of my detractors don't seem to live in Korea I suggest you go on Naver/Daum and convince some of your ancestral countrymen to stop fucking their doll pillows and get on board. Here is a sample schedule.

9:00 a.m.
1. Hara-Kiri- most of whats good about Korea comes from other places anyway so I would like to see some Korean netizens performing ritualized suicide in front of my apartment building.

Warning this one might get you killed
10:00 a.m.-Shit slinging - Since some Korean netizens delight in calling me a monkey I would like to see them appropriate monkey behavior as a form of protest.

11:00- a.m. take a rest Internet shopping and poorly worded death threats need to be sent around the world

12:00- Eat my flag- O.k. I don't have a flag but you can print off copies of the naked baby of Itaewon and eat him.

1:00 p.m.- You can go to one of the dog restaurants in the neighborhood and get a couple of dogs heads and line them up outside of my apartment.

2:00 p.m. Kimchi Power- If I am still not convinced, I think you should steal a live pig from one of the farmers, tie ropes to its hooves, and pull it apart. Korea Fighting!

3:00 p.m. Finger Chopping- Since I am Black and not very bright I suggest a group of you get together and chop off the finger you use for (masturbating) turning on the computer as a sign of protest.

4:00 p.m. follow a random foreigner around hoping to see irregal activities.

5:00 p.m. Dress up time- Have one of your followers dress like me; I'll provide the clothes, and then beat the shit out of him.

6:00 p.m. Noraebang and hand release. Go to a karaoke room and have dinner. Relax assess how the protest is going. Also you need to recruit some of the Nore-hoes for possible action in the future.

7:00 p.m. Show me your Korean spirit by covering yourself in thousands of bees. All those bee stings will really show me whose boss.

8:00 p.m. I'm just an ignorant nignog so you'll need to step it up by using one of your world famous kimch powered candlelight protest to set fire to all the local trees.

9:00 p.m. I'm just not learning so I suggest that you go to the store and purchase brand new computers and then burn them in the parking lot of my building to show disgust at my lack of respect for Korean culture.

10:00 It is getting late and I haven't learned a damn thing . How about defiantly spraying each other down with water hoses. Surely that will get through my negro-addled mind.

11:00 if nothing else works take the morning shift of whores and sit them in front of my building

and then send them in one by one until I'm convinced.

Dictated not read

Music Playlist at

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

My Boss's Dick Part 2

A little background.

ENS English school was established in the Yeonsu-GU neighborhood by purchasing and renaming a well-respected school in the neighborhood. The school was called English time and it was basically two classrooms in a small office building run by one Korean woman named "Tonia" and the occasional foreign teacher. Tonia was having financial problems so she agreed to sell her business and transfer everything over to Mr. Yoo for a relatively insignificant amount of money.

Are You My Friend?Proxy War

Mr. Yoo use to pull me into the backroom of an unheated storage closet to talk to him. I would push piles of unused board games out of the way and sit there while he smoked his girl cigarettes. He would then say "Michael are you my friend? Because I really want to be your friend? And you have to trust me? Immediately my red flags went up when he tried to negotiate for trust instead of earning it. I said sure I trust you. I trust all Korean people. He beamed with pride and then went back to his girl cigarettes. The reason this question was of such importance was because ENS was in the midst of a civil war. On the one side was Mr. Yoo and the staff of ENS brought over from the other branch. On the other side was Tonia, the receptionist, and 2 other Korean teachers. I was the newest addition to the staff and had yet to pick a side. The war started because Mr.Yoo wanted Tonia to sign a personal services agreement stating that she would teach at the school for two years to insure the success of his investment. Tonia balked at signing the agreement because she had already spent two months in his school and saw how poorly it was run. Now most businessmen would have put in a no-compete clause and a personal services contract into the original purchasing agreement, but he was an idiot. So the office turns into some Team Edward vs. Team Jacob shit with oaths of allegiances and everything. A week after getting my visa things come to a head. Tonia quits and Mr. Yoo goes crazy. He is literally running down the halls of the school screaming "She steal money, She steal my money". He would get beet red and that lazy eye would twitch at the mere mention of her name. Since I enjoy hijinks I would figure out a way to mention her at least once an hour just to set him off.

My Mistake
I had never taken a side in the Tonia/Yoo debate. I tried to reassure him that I am a professional and I have no interest in intraoffice squabbles. I came here to work not to be a bit player in a third rate k-drama. I also advised him to act like a boss. I told him the relationship between you and Tonia is really none of my business and I find it very unprofessional for you to bring it up. Lazy eye blink, he said but you are still "my friend right"? This shit went on every other day for two weeks. So about a week after I got back from Osaka on my visa run I decided to go and get my alien card. I called Tonia and she agreed to take me. She shows up with one of the adult students and we go to the office. I don't remember the reason but after all the paperwork was completed Mr. Yoo had to be called. Yoo must asked who I was there with because he refuses to do something and I am denied my card. I get to the office and he pulls me into a room and starts interrogating me. He asked me who I was with and I said Tonia. He then said who else was it the receptionist. I said "no". So now he is sweating and that lazy eye is twitching and he is stuttering and sort of spitting on himself. Who was there? Girl 2 the man said 2 girls. I said I don't know. He then goes out and asks the receptionist was she there in Korean. Practically screaming he looks like he is going to explode with anger. I'm totally amused by the spectacle but the receptionist is shook to her core. So I say she really wasn't there. He glares at me with his good eye and turns to the girl and says you are fired. He then says Michael I want to be your friend in the future if you need anything please come to me and walks away.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Kimchi This Kimchi That

Bibimbap Bullshit

I want to root for Korea. I really do. I love an underdog story as much as the next guy. But the problem with Korea is the prevalence of arrogance mixed with ignorance. Living here is like being trapped on a road trip with that retarded kid
Corky from "Life Goes On" and having him tell you about all the bitches he fucks, the luxury cars he drives, and his intellectual superiority.You know it isn't true and in his heart of hearts he knows too , but he clings to that narrative. At first it's quaint that he has such a high self-esteem but later your feelings devolve into pity and finally mockery after the 20Th story of his insignificant accomplishments. Kimchi cheerleaders; esp. Korean-American/Canadians, are like the parents in the front seat affirming the bullshit as long as they don't have to actually sit and talk with him.

In an effort to spread the popularity of Korean cuisine and culture around the world the Korean government has begun a campaign to promote bibimbap.Bibimbap is steamed white rice sauteed vegetables, chili paste and a raw or fried egg .To supplement their efforts they took out a full page color ad in the New York Times.

Bibimbap is a dish mixed of cooked
rice with various vegetables, beef, garnishes, and
fried pepper paste. It is said that this dish came
from the customers of memorial service and rural villages.
This dish is very convenient to provide, just mixing of cooked
rice with various vegetables,
namul, and red pepper paste together.
(copy from the ad)

This is a perfect example of the ignorance meets arrogance I was talking about. Most people would hire an ad agency in that country before committing thousands of dollars to this
fuckery. The only positive is that they never actually mention that the dish is Korean in origin.

The Japanese editor of a Japanese daily who has lived in Korea for 30 years said that he doubted the globalization potential of

Kuroda- Bibimbap looks good when it is put on the table at first. But once the vegetables, the egg and rice and everything get mixed by the spoon, it transforms into something that is unidentifiable," he said at that time. "I fear an American who ordered this dish might be shocked to see this."

Kuroda's harsh statement about the dish he started to receive the typical death threats and now feels unsafe in Korea. When will Koreans learn that they have a right to spread their culture from sea to shining sea but in doing so it will be examined and possibly rejected as inferior, and that the appropriate response is not threats of murder. I had a lady over and she said she didn't like the garlic mashed potatoes I made, I didn't threaten to beat her to death with my shoe.

But why are we discussing bibimbap anyway? It's not the national food of Korea. It's not served at every school in the country. It doesn't have its own museum. It hasn't been to space. No my friends the national food of Korea is kimchi. Kimchi is fermented Chinese cabbage mixed with red pepper paste and a bunch of other shit. It taste like soggy cabbage drenched in hot sauce and it looks like something out of the dumpster of an Italian restaurant. Like most things in Korea it originated in China, was vastly improved using American materials, and perfected in Japan.

So they have bibimbap and kimchi why did they choose to promote bibimbap?. I think bibimbap is more aesthetically pleasing than kimchi. Kimchi is ;and you can use this as a metaphor for Korea, smelly , rather unsightly, and an acquired taste with a sharp learning curve for very little pay off.

My Last Day( Live Blog)

Technically I have the rest of the week but I'm taking sick days because I have shit to do. I gave the students a word search that will take about 40 minutes for them to complete. When I got here I gave the co-teacher a list of monies owed . That was 11:30 and it is now 2:30 and I still don't have the confirmation of amount or date of payment. One of my students is reading "The Secret". I thought only fat Oprah and bored white women in the midwest read that shit. I hate my co-workers they are fuckity fucks. They all live in the same shit city as me but they make me take the bus home. So they get home at 5:00 and I get home at 6:10 they can all go fuck themselves. I have been on an old school work slow down since November.

Ok they are having a kimchi klatch and this is bad they are taking something pretty straight forward and making it diffucult. I hear a lot of minusee minusee. I'm going to have straighten these bitches out.

Last week my co-teacher said I should buy my ticket and the school would reimburse.I told her to go fuck herself pay what you owe. I want my 1300 dollars and I don't want to tell you where I'm going.

The week before last my co-teacher got mad because I was showing Willy Wonka for all three classes. I told her since you haven't written one fucking second of material all year I would bemore than happy to see participate in one of your lesson plans. The next week the school was closed for testing and she didn't let me know. So I showed a movie and gave them a word seach today. It is 3:07 and 4 minutes worth of math they have been working on since last week still hasn't been completed.

o.k. 3:30 and still not finished
3:34 She said they will pay me on the 25th I said what part of my contract ends on the 19th don't you understand I willnot be in country after the 19th and the bank account will not be open.

3:43 She says they can't pay me until the 25 because the 19th is not enough time. They have known the last day of my contract for 365 days because they wrote it. Kimchifucking crazy. I'm now negotiating a per diem. They want me to stay until the 25 th without providing me an apartment. I'm expectedto spend hundreds of dollars to collect what I am owed.

3:49 She now wants a copy of my flight ticket. I said no besides I haven't bought the ticket yet. My co-teacher has now made about a dozen trips up and down the stairs to the office. I am being reasonable so I agreed to be paid that Monday.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

My Boss's Dick Part 1

One day I'll finish the allegory of Cunt Lee but today I'd like to tell you about my second job in kimchiland. The school was called ENS and the owner Mr.Yoo was as crazy and stupid as Cunt Lee was evil. I worked for the school for exactly 6 weeks. 3 weeks part-time under the table for cash and three weeks full time before I was fired.

Mr. Yoo (pronounced ewww) had a lazy eye and stuttered terribly in English and Korean whenever he got worked up. He was a short husky boy who would regale us in tales of sexual conquests of wealthy women from Gangnam. As I've seen him naked on several ocassions his nude boy can best be described as cherub like. He had a huge rounded baby belly and tiny arms like a Tyranosaurus Rex. He also had short legs which gave his overall body composition the air of a potato with four toothpicks sticking out of it.

After coming back from Thailand I found myself homeless in Incheon so I took out a monthly membership at a Korean bathhouse. Every day i would go out and look for work and at night I would sleep on a filthy leather mat in a dark super heated room with about 3 dozen naked Korean men. So one day I walk into the local coffee shop and I see an advertisement for a job at a local school. I call the number interview and get the job. I hand over all my documents so my visa can be processed and wouldn't you know it Cunt Lee never cancelled my old visa. So now my new bosses go and speak to her on some high level kimchi shit and she is being true to her name Cunt Lee. She will not cancel the visa and she even proceeds to make my new manager Tonia cry in the process. They go back and forth and she refuses even though I have two documents with her signature saying I am to be released from my visa. So my new boss and I go to the same immigration office that fucked up my visa release in the first place. He stutters through a conversation with the manager and they take my documents to the back for processing. As a thank you/bribe he gives the office 20.00$ worth of mini orange juice and vitamin water.

Infections and Osaka
So now I'm legit all I have to do is go to Japan for my visa run. But there is a problem. After weeks of sleeping on filthy leather mats in a Korean bathhouse I have developed both pink eye and an ear infection at the same time but since I don't have any health insurance I cannot go to the doctor, or so I thought. For about two weeks I had to teach using only the left side of my mouth because it hurt to move the right. I survived on the baby Tylenol they sell here as a pain killer. My boss has my documents and he is itching to get me on a plane so he orders a ticket after I had already informed him of the pink eye and the ear infection. I said dude I have an ear infection and you want me to get on a plane with a pressurized cabin. I know I'm Black so my scientific acumen is probably lower than any member of the Han but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this is probably not a good idea. Unless you are interested in seeing my Eustachian tube emerge from my head like an earthworm during a thunderstorm. Now we are rushing because this is December 2007 and the kimchi parliament had enacted new foreigner rules which go into effect on December 17, 2007. In their soju soaked minds the parliament put into place requirements that no English teacher in Korea could fulfill such as getting notarized certificates from the American embassy or fingerprint background checks which they would have known had they used their kimchi power to go to a phone and ask. I heal up enough to fly so he orders my ticket on G-Market. I told him that the consulate doesn't allow you to pick up your visa until after 3p.m. the day after the application . He schedules me for a 9 a.m flight the next morning anyway. He also picks the cheapest hotel he can find on the internet. Now keep in mind this visa run is literally being done every single day of the week and there are at least a dozen websites in Korean and English outlining the most efficient way to do this. I beg him to cancel the reservation and just give me the cash so I can find my own accomodation. Nope, no can do he couldn't be bothered with listening to a foreigner (Black man ) on the best way to do something. So I get on the plane land get to Osaka walk to the consulate and of course you can't pick up the visa until after 3p.m. Next I tried to find his shitty hotel. I went down about a dozen unmarked streets. I asked the police at the police station. I asked postal workers in the post office. I searched for 5 hours and I haven't found the place to this day. So I had to use my rather limited funds to pay for the hotel I would have gotten for myself in the first place after hours of walking.

Next Day

I pick up my visa at the consulate after 3p.m. and search for a new hotel room and find a new flight home. Meanwhile he is emailing me to call him if I need any assistance. I laugh because I didn't need him fucking up my life anymore than he already had. I had a ball in Osaka I hit some nightclubs, met some very cooperative young ladies, and had some great meals. The next day I go to the airport and beg the lady at the ticket agency to let me on the plane for free. I tell her my boss is an idiot and I am already being punished by having to fly to Korea. She felt sorry for me gave me a ticket and even bumped me up to first class.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Most Offensive Thing I Have Ever Heard

I have been called a nigger on several occasions in kimchiland. I have been referred to as a nigger by my co-workers and employers. I have heard it in stores and restaurants. I've read it on message boards and in the comment section of my own blog. Hell one of my moist homosexual stalkers even went so far as to dedicate an entire blog to calling me a nigger.

That being said the most offensive thing that has ever been said to me occurred on the filthy streets of Itaewon. I was walking along the street last weekend ignoring the pleas of Korean businessmen to come down/upstairs and peruse their selection of throwback jerseys( as if this was 2003). I kindly and firmly deny their entreaties until I am stopped by a dastardly fiend. This 100 year old Korean man with his comb-over of jet black hair stopped me and spewed the most horrid of epithets. He said you look like you need a Steve Harvey suit. I was shocked and appalled. I would have felt better if he would have said you look like you suck cock,or you look like you rape cats, or you look like you own an English language hagwon. But no he hit me with the gravest insult one could imagine. He asked me if I would like a Steve Harvey suit?

The Steve Harvey suit is a multi -button monstrosity that usually comes in colors not found in nature.

The suits is championed by and named after fellow Clevelander Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey is a famous comedian who has had a couple of t.v. shows, a best-selling relationship book, and a nationally syndicated radio program. He is also the proprietor of the tackiest suits in all of creation.

Since we are both from Cleveland I have been a party to his tacky suit and accessory consumption first hand at Mr. Albert's Men's World on Prospect avenue right downtown. I've watched in open mouth terror as he tried to coordinate lime green "gators" with a pink tie and a peach colored pocket square.I've seen him order custom dyeing of grape colored ostrich boots to match his pants. I shudder when I think about some of the suits he wore on his t.v. show.

Still reeling from the gut punch the old Korean delivered I tried to simultaneously choke down the vomit in my mouth and keep from crying. I said sir do I look like someone who has been recently drafted into the NBA?

I quickly ran away from him back to my cheap motel room in Itaewon. I spent the entire night laying in the fetal position of the dirty cold floor furiously trying to clean myself screaming unclean unclean.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Korean Bullshit: Conversations

I know for a fact that because I am a descendant of Cain that a lot of people in Korea consider me to be an inferior intellect. Perhaps they are right ,but why do Koreans speak to me and behave as if I'm retarded and if I am retarded why do they routinely leave me alone with their children.

Do you know what that is?

I was riding with my new co-teacher down a long winding country road when she turns to me and goes do you know what that is? I turn and look around for something unique to Korea that might not be immediately recognizable to a foreigner. I smile and ask her what are you referring? She says the car up

What the fuck are you kidding me? It would be a stupid question if she was unaware that I had spent two years in Incheon. It would be a stupid question if she was unaware that I was 7 months into this contract. But what makes this question absolutely kimchi retarded is the fact that every police car,uniform, and station in Korea looks exactly the same. Unlike my hometown which has different uniforms and colors for the Cleveland, East Cleveland, and Cleveland Hts police departments Korea's borge collective makes everybody wear the same uniform. So for her question to make sense I would have had to go nearly three years without seeing a police officer. I turned to her and asked her are you serious? I guess she had a moment of clarity and she didn't pipe up for the rest of the ride.

Party Time

My first apartment in Korea was Patima shitty officetel in Yeonsu -Gu. The building was the cheapest piece of shit my asshole boss could find. The dimensions were 12x6 (not unlike an American prison) sometimes I would cook dinner while still sitting on the bed by reaching over and turning on the stove. The apartment had one large shade with mold on it to keep the sun out of my easterly facing window. In this shit hole lived all the foreign teachers from my organization plus a few others from various academies. One of my friends from another school decides to throw a party on a friday night. They have liquor and food and music. I stop by the party after my workout for 10 minutes because it was cold and there wasn't any place to sit. As I am going down the hall I pass the buildings security guard. I didn't recognize him because he was vertical and wearing a shirt and pants. He then goes out to the balcony and starts yelling about the noise. The following Monday I get a call to report to the hagwon owners office.

Ms. Lee - the building called they are thinking of throwing you out of the building.
Me- Why? i don't make any noise I pay my bills and I am barely there?
Lee they said you had party
Me- I didn't have a party, a friend of mine had a party with about 5 foreigners
and 6 or 7 Koreans
Lee Well they said it was your party
Me- I didn't have a party and I was at the party less time than the security
Lee well the building manager said your party makes loss of noise
Me What part of I didn't throw a goddamn party don't you fucking understand.
Was there any Koreans there?
Lee I guess so
me Good than you know I didn't throw it because the only Koreans I know are
you and your staff and i wouldn't invite you and yours to shit.And why is
my job being called there were plenty of white people and Koreans at that
Lee O.K. well next time don't throw a loud party
Me take me now lord

McDonalds: I'm Lovin it

I'm sitting in my classroom illegally downloading music and listening to Fresh Air when the manager walks in. He sidles up to the desk and says Michael I need to ask you a question? Did you throw your McDonalds garbage into the toilet? A little background, this school was a preschool-elementary school located in one of the most affluent areas of Incheon called New Songdo.My boss rented space inside the school from which to run her shit hagwon. This school had maybe 90 students under the age of 13 coursing through the halls on any given day but instead of asking one of them he questions me.

Choi: Did you throw McDonalds in the toilet I'm asking the teachers because the school is unhappy.

Me( headphones on) What?

Choi: (repeats)

Me: _So let me get this straight you think I got up an extra 30 minutes early, walked 7 5 blocks out of my way, bought McDonalds, walked for another 15 minutes to the bus stop. Rode the bus 20 minutes ,walked for another 20 minutes to get to the school,climbed the stairs to the second floor, and then threw the garbage into a urinal. Is that what you are asking me?

Choi: (Head scratch stupid look,head scratch) Well Yes.

Me : o.k. before I answer let me ask you a question you have two kids right? O.K.
now say you come home from a long day of what you call work and you see McDonalds in the toilet. Do you (a) blame your bitch wife or (b) first question your kids?

At this point he gets mad and stomps away because I have managed to both insult his intelligence and call his wife a bitch.

Every half hour my screen redirects to this kimchi bullshit. Most of the time it is just annoying but sometimes it redirects instead of printing an email or blog post.

And isn't everyday here White Day

Thursday, March 11, 2010

New Photo of Me

In honor of Super Fantab this is me last weekend in Itaewon

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Sexxxy Co-Teacher

I was cleaning the dry erase board one afternoon when my co-teacher came into the room and sat on the desk directly behind me. She didn't say a word but I could feel the heat from her tiny black eyes boring into my True Religion Jeans. I turned to face her and she was sitting on the desk with her thighs open staring at me and because of the proximity of the desk to the board I was practically between her thighs. I could smell the kimchi coming out of her pores. In a sexy purr she whispered Michael I need to talk to you later. With that she climbed down off the desk brushed past me and exited the room. I go downstairs to the teachers room to await the 4:30 bell that marks the end of another bullshit day of teaching, when she comes up to me and whispers in my ear meet me in the teachers lounge in 15 minutes.

At 4:30 the school is emptied so it is just the two of us in the school. I sit down on the Tang colored faux leather sofa and she slides in right beside me. She whispers in my ear I've been waiting for this for so long. I struggle to keep my eyes open because her kimchi breath smells like death itself. She unbuttons her FUBU track jacket and removes her floral colored pants and rubber shoes. I tried to take off my pants but she struck my hands with her student beating stick. She says that's my preasure and begins to pull down my pants. We made love on the coffee tables , 69ed on the elliptical , and did very strange things with that flag pole. After we finished we had a Vita 100 and a tangerine to replenish our fluids that coincidentally had pooled in a crease in one of the couches. She then put on her rubber shoes and ran out of the room. Apparently, she had badminton academy at 5:00

Music Playlist at

Dictated not read

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Scapegoats and Nigger Knobs Vol II

There is a directorial team called the Hughes Brothers who made a very popular film in the urban genre called Menace II Society. To cut down on cost the Brothers were forced to rent the cheapest cameras and editing equipment on the market and curtail their shooting schedule. The film went on to make back its production cost many times over in the theaters. With that success the brothers expected to receive a larger budget and better equipment for their subsequent films. Instead they were presented with the same sub-standard gear they used to make their first film. The brothers called this junk equipment they were offered "nigger knobs" and the term has resonated with me here in kimchiland.

The above is an effigy of yours truly scrawled unto the walls of Haein Middle School in Gaya. The picture was drawn after i threw about a dozen students out of my extra-curricular conversation class after school one day. This class was about 90% boys who didn't care about learning one way or the other. Most days I would do a preemptive strike and just throw everybody out after attendance but some of the Korean teachers voiced concerns to my co-teachers about having the school hooligans roaming the halls. So I kept them in class and they started in with their bullshit and I threw them all out. 10 minutes later my co-teacher comes to me requesting that they be let back into class and I refused. I had thrown these students out at least a dozen times by now and that is a tremendous number considering I only teach them twice a week. So they are in the hall and a few of them get the bright idea to draw my likeness on the wall of the stairwell I use to go to the teacher's office. This was a Monday and I'm thinking these kids are really going to be in big trouble. Students don't deface the school walls in such a blatant form of disrespect without there being major consequences. ( these fucks would get hit in the head with a tennis racket for much less than that)The next Monday I show up at school and the wall is painted over. I don't say anything and my co-teacher Ms. Park comes over to give me my daily instructions. Ms. Park was about 30 years old living with her parents in Daegu on the weekends rocketing towards spinster hood at an alarming rate. Ms. Park had an enormous head and a really thin body which she adorned with see through clothing. She would also spend a significant portion of each day I taught there rubbing, grabbing , pinching or commenting on some part of my body. She would say shit like "you are so hard I can't even pinch you" or after flicking water on her from a paper cup she would say "Michael you make me wet everyday"

The following week she comes over to my desk to tell me something and I let her know that from now on I would only teach the 50% of class I am contractually obligated to teach. Furthermore, I will not lesson plan at home so I suggest you find me a computer that works. She stood there for a beat and then stomped over to the vice-principals desk and said in Korean Mike is being angry with me. The vice-principal calls a meeting and we go into the teacher's lounge and I explain to him the new world order. I said I'm such a fair guy I'll teach for 23 minutes the Korean teachers don't even have to come to class until their turn starts. At this point Ms. Park starts to cry and I'm staring at her the vice principal is staring and the other co-teacher is staring. Her mascara is starting to run over that pancake makeup she wore everyday. She then shouts I have so much to do it is not fair. She looks like
Emmett Kelley at this point and now I don't care so I say why are you crying about doing less than half of the lesson plan what's the matter with you. She starts to gently whimper and the vice-principal is smirking because what started as a professional meeting has quickly devolved into a pseudo lovers quarrel between me and Ms. park. Trying to steer the meeting back on course he says but you were so happy and you do such a good job the children love the candy and the lessons you give why are you angry? I said you are nigger knobbing me . What would have happened if the children would have retaliated against a Korean teacher with a picture on a hallway wall? No forget that what would have happened if they would have done that to the the damn lunch ladies. Suspension, expulsion , public beating and apologies. I didn't receive any of that you just covered it up like it didn't happen . So if I'm going to be treated like less than a teacher here I'm going to perform like less than teacher. I'll show up with 23 minutes of material from your horrible text and that will be that. He didn't have anything to say after that because he knew everything I said was one hundred percent accurate. After the meeting I went up to Ms. Park and tried to apologize for her tears. She said you "are a very bad man " you must refrect on your behavior. After that day she didn't speak to me too often in the office. Who knew she was in love?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Love Hotels and Baby Condoms

In the last post I touched on the phenomenon of children living with their parents well into their adulthood. This extended pseudo-adolescents has real world ramifications when it comes to fucking. For example, you are a 30 year old guy living at home with your parents and somehow by hook or by crook you convince somebody to sleep with you. You could take her to one of the thousands of somewhat filthy bathhouses and try to slay her there if she is kind of slutty and is only interested in the semblance of privacy. Or you can take her to a DVD room pop in The Incredibles and try to nail her on the filthy couch before the movie ends(if this is your tact I suggest Batman, 2.5 hours long which is plenty of time for 2 maybe three sessions). But sometimes you feel a little romantic and that New Years 20.00 dollars is burning a hole in your pocket coupled with a few weeks allowance and you have enough for a Love Motel.

A Korean Love Motel is used primarily by people involved in all sorts of illicit fuckery. Co-worker fucking, spousal infidelity, business men ordering in talent, and youngsters still on the teet who need a safe discrete place with hidden covered parking to get their rocks off all go to Love Motels.

This Love Motel was called the cube and I apologize for not getting a picture of the gaudy exterior but picture a large square red lacquered eye sore lit up so that its Titanic level tackiness can be witnessed for miles around and you pretty much got it. The Love Motels are one of the only uni formally clean buildings in Korea and this was no exception. After you get your keys and take the elevator to your floor you are confronted with English gibberish on the wall.

The rooms are pretty nice. Nice large bed with actual sheets; though I have heard that some love motels offer rooms with pallets if you like sleeping/fucking on the floor, flat screen t.v., refrigerator with drinks, water dispenser(because remember you can't drink the water) and a computer just in case you want to play Sudden Attack prior to, after,or in lieu of fucking. On the bed there is usually a pouch which contains lube, razor, bubble bath and baby condoms. I don't know where they get these shits from but it is not normal how tight those things are. If you don't have access to Korean baby condoms but you would like to replicate the sensation in your home, all you have to do is go to the .99 cent store and buy the cheapest smallest balloons they have take one of the balloons blow it up and then let the air out. Then try to slip it over your foot without tearing it.

From the bed you can watch usually two channels of K-porn. K-porn like K-pop is a cheaply produced derivative of
better porn produced elsewheree. From what I have been able to gather most of the porn seems to revolve around a girl coming to a guys tenement during the afternoon, an argument ensues, she says wheyyyy in a high pitch squeal of annoyance hits the guy in the arm, smash cut they are laying in the bed fully clothed, cut away and then he is removing the single unsexiest skirt in history(think something a nun would be comfortable in) and then he removes her pantyhose , smash cut again to huge flesh colored lingerie( but it's not even Korean flesh colored it's Caucasian like a band-aid) smash cut again to her on her back like an overturned turtle with her legs flailing in the air, eyes tightly shut, and her fist tightly clinched. They don't show junk here and all the transitions are so awkward that they couldn't possibly be fucking. The other channel showed pixeled Japanese porn.

The next morning after the regret, disappointment, and apologies for the soju dick you step into the hallway praying you don't recognize anybody from the screen golf center or your wife's hagwon coffee klatch and you see this sign

And everything is all better

Dictated not read