Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Love Hotels and Baby Condoms




In the last post I touched on the phenomenon of children living with their parents well into their adulthood. This extended pseudo-adolescents has real world ramifications when it comes to fucking. For example, you are a 30 year old guy living at home with your parents and somehow by hook or by crook you convince somebody to sleep with you. You could take her to one of the thousands of somewhat filthy bathhouses and try to slay her there if she is kind of slutty and is only interested in the semblance of privacy. Or you can take her to a DVD room pop in The Incredibles and try to nail her on the filthy couch before the movie ends(if this is your tact I suggest Batman, 2.5 hours long which is plenty of time for 2 maybe three sessions). But sometimes you feel a little romantic and that New Years 20.00 dollars is burning a hole in your pocket coupled with a few weeks allowance and you have enough for a Love Motel.

A Korean Love Motel is used primarily by people involved in all sorts of illicit fuckery. Co-worker fucking, spousal infidelity, business men ordering in talent, and youngsters still on the teet who need a safe discrete place with hidden covered parking to get their rocks off all go to Love Motels.


This Love Motel was called the cube and I apologize for not getting a picture of the gaudy exterior but picture a large square red lacquered eye sore lit up so that its Titanic level tackiness can be witnessed for miles around and you pretty much got it. The Love Motels are one of the only uni formally clean buildings in Korea and this was no exception. After you get your keys and take the elevator to your floor you are confronted with English gibberish on the wall.

The rooms are pretty nice. Nice large bed with actual sheets; though I have heard that some love motels offer rooms with pallets if you like sleeping/fucking on the floor, flat screen t.v., refrigerator with drinks, water dispenser(because remember you can't drink the water) and a computer just in case you want to play Sudden Attack prior to, after,or in lieu of fucking. On the bed there is usually a pouch which contains lube, razor, bubble bath and baby condoms. I don't know where they get these shits from but it is not normal how tight those things are. If you don't have access to Korean baby condoms but you would like to replicate the sensation in your home, all you have to do is go to the .99 cent store and buy the cheapest smallest balloons they have take one of the balloons blow it up and then let the air out. Then try to slip it over your foot without tearing it.



From the bed you can watch usually two channels of K-porn. K-porn like K-pop is a cheaply produced derivative of
better porn produced elsewheree. From what I have been able to gather most of the porn seems to revolve around a girl coming to a guys tenement during the afternoon, an argument ensues, she says wheyyyy in a high pitch squeal of annoyance hits the guy in the arm, smash cut they are laying in the bed fully clothed, cut away and then he is removing the single unsexiest skirt in history(think something a nun would be comfortable in) and then he removes her pantyhose , smash cut again to huge flesh colored lingerie( but it's not even Korean flesh colored it's Caucasian like a band-aid) smash cut again to her on her back like an overturned turtle with her legs flailing in the air, eyes tightly shut, and her fist tightly clinched. They don't show junk here and all the transitions are so awkward that they couldn't possibly be fucking. The other channel showed pixeled Japanese porn.



The next morning after the regret, disappointment, and apologies for the soju dick you step into the hallway praying you don't recognize anybody from the screen golf center or your wife's hagwon coffee klatch and you see this sign

And everything is all better


Dictated not read

20 comments:

  1. I think you math is a little fuzzy on the batman thing. Two and a half hours is 150 minutes, and with an average round lasting about two minutes or less, that would be enough time for around 70-75 sessions. At least that's what it would be for me :)

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  2. Yeah right like you could get it up more than twice a month on that soy and tofu diet you are on.

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  3. Mike, a pretty boring blog. Many teachers have like been in Korea something north of this rehashed tripe story. Try to write about something vaguely captivating. Okay? You got my back Brother?

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  4. totally hilarious. i voted for you as "other" in that stupid poll, just to support...something

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  5. thanks for the support but I rather have your interaction than a space on some stupid poll of boring blogs. I mean I have great readers and regular trolls like the guy above you. Who could ask for anything more Toyota

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  6. I noticed your tone was not anti-Korea in your earlier posts, but seems to have changed with time. Are you hating Korea more and more?

    If so, why don't you leave?

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  7. 2 reasons I have a contract. A contract to me is like a promise and men don't break promises. In hindsight I probably should have quit 6 months ago and pursued other positions, but I don't think it is right to quit midstream which btw 5 of my co-teachers have done.
    If I quit there is no guarantee that they could find a replacement so the students wouldn't have a chance to interact with a native speaker for the rest of the year.
    As to your critique of my blog I would argue I'm not "anti" anything. When I see the prefix anti it means to mean something that shouldn't exist. I think Korea should exist and continue to grow and prosper. If anything I'm anti-Korean bullshit and I think that is clear from the beginning.

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  8. Contracts are broken all the time in the business world, and an employment contract like yours is unenforceable anyway, so why do you care? Do you really feel loyalty to a place that you feel is mistreating you?

    I mean, is Cleveland really THAT BAD? They have a good basketball team from what I hear.

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  9. it's not about them it's about me and my word. I mean at some point your honor has to be worth something. Even if it is only smug self-satisfaction. As for Cleveland I'll probably never live there again I have very few family members there so there isn't anything holding me there. and quite frankly it is roughly as interesting as Korea

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  10. Korean condoms are like torture devices... I pity anyone whose junk is small enough to fit comfortably inside one.

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  11. Even if the soy deflated my dick, I can at least still see it. Can you say the same with your meat filled belly?

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  12. Mike, your blog is somewhat reasonable in tone compared to other blogs, which can only be described as outright racist (ie, 1994 and Lousy, which call Koreans monkeys and children). How do you justify supporting these sites?

    There are plenty of sites dedicated to mocking and insulting black people, calling them monkeys, etc. Do you think those are ok too?

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  13. I didn't know I was supporting any particular site I generally link or follow any site that links or follows me. I'm not a Korea hater so I don't feel a particular need to make fun of Koreans nor am I kimchee cheerlearder who needs to rap poetic on the joys of shabu shabu.I'm gloriously indifferent to this place. As for your last point I think it is perfectly fine for somebody to make a blog,website, magazine, tv or radio show mocking Black people, but on my blog I would be more than happy to take down any post that could be construed as racist towards Koreans if you find one.

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  14. You link to Lousy, which calls Koreans monkeys, trash and children, and that's on a good day. He has the right to do what he wants, but if you have it in your "Stuff I read" link, then it gives the impression that you don't mind if people call Koreans monkeys, children, etc.

    No big deal, just thought I'd point that out. The "hater" blogs are really no better than Nazi blogs, but I don't think they see that because they think they are victims here. For the record, Nazis also thought of themselves as victims.

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  15. I understand your point but the link doesn't really work and originally the only link was Loco's. I read his stuff everyday and his blog and commenters were the inspiration for this one. That's why he is the only person up there who has a link without giving a link. To be honest I feel like k-blogs are almost an echo chamber for whatever side you choose like Democrats and Republicans in American politics. So I'm going to write post about my personal experiences until the 19th and then I'm going to be finished with the k-blogging world. I have no interest in stalking expat message boards trying to be clever once I get home.

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  16. Ha, the K-blogs are actually quite civil compared to American political blogs:

    "You murdering faggot, God hates you, f- you."
    "You redneck, racist, ignorant trash, f- you."

    Compared to that, even Lousy is a country club.

    In any case, you are a good writer. You should keep up blogging in some capacity. Korea-related stuff generally goes no where, but there's plenty to write about...

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  17. thanks a lot. Maybe I'll start a video game blog or a relationship column for non-longlegged mackdaddys

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  18. Damn Son a thousand pardons on that HUMUNGOUS oversight! It will be corrected immediately!!! My sincere apologies!
    Loco

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