Sunday, March 14, 2010

My Boss's Dick Part 1

One day I'll finish the allegory of Cunt Lee but today I'd like to tell you about my second job in kimchiland. The school was called ENS and the owner Mr.Yoo was as crazy and stupid as Cunt Lee was evil. I worked for the school for exactly 6 weeks. 3 weeks part-time under the table for cash and three weeks full time before I was fired.

Mr. Yoo (pronounced ewww) had a lazy eye and stuttered terribly in English and Korean whenever he got worked up. He was a short husky boy who would regale us in tales of sexual conquests of wealthy women from Gangnam. As I've seen him naked on several ocassions his nude boy can best be described as cherub like. He had a huge rounded baby belly and tiny arms like a Tyranosaurus Rex. He also had short legs which gave his overall body composition the air of a potato with four toothpicks sticking out of it.

After coming back from Thailand I found myself homeless in Incheon so I took out a monthly membership at a Korean bathhouse. Every day i would go out and look for work and at night I would sleep on a filthy leather mat in a dark super heated room with about 3 dozen naked Korean men. So one day I walk into the local coffee shop and I see an advertisement for a job at a local school. I call the number interview and get the job. I hand over all my documents so my visa can be processed and wouldn't you know it Cunt Lee never cancelled my old visa. So now my new bosses go and speak to her on some high level kimchi shit and she is being true to her name Cunt Lee. She will not cancel the visa and she even proceeds to make my new manager Tonia cry in the process. They go back and forth and she refuses even though I have two documents with her signature saying I am to be released from my visa. So my new boss and I go to the same immigration office that fucked up my visa release in the first place. He stutters through a conversation with the manager and they take my documents to the back for processing. As a thank you/bribe he gives the office 20.00$ worth of mini orange juice and vitamin water.

Infections and Osaka
So now I'm legit all I have to do is go to Japan for my visa run. But there is a problem. After weeks of sleeping on filthy leather mats in a Korean bathhouse I have developed both pink eye and an ear infection at the same time but since I don't have any health insurance I cannot go to the doctor, or so I thought. For about two weeks I had to teach using only the left side of my mouth because it hurt to move the right. I survived on the baby Tylenol they sell here as a pain killer. My boss has my documents and he is itching to get me on a plane so he orders a ticket after I had already informed him of the pink eye and the ear infection. I said dude I have an ear infection and you want me to get on a plane with a pressurized cabin. I know I'm Black so my scientific acumen is probably lower than any member of the Han but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this is probably not a good idea. Unless you are interested in seeing my Eustachian tube emerge from my head like an earthworm during a thunderstorm. Now we are rushing because this is December 2007 and the kimchi parliament had enacted new foreigner rules which go into effect on December 17, 2007. In their soju soaked minds the parliament put into place requirements that no English teacher in Korea could fulfill such as getting notarized certificates from the American embassy or fingerprint background checks which they would have known had they used their kimchi power to go to a phone and ask. I heal up enough to fly so he orders my ticket on G-Market. I told him that the consulate doesn't allow you to pick up your visa until after 3p.m. the day after the application . He schedules me for a 9 a.m flight the next morning anyway. He also picks the cheapest hotel he can find on the internet. Now keep in mind this visa run is literally being done every single day of the week and there are at least a dozen websites in Korean and English outlining the most efficient way to do this. I beg him to cancel the reservation and just give me the cash so I can find my own accomodation. Nope, no can do he couldn't be bothered with listening to a foreigner (Black man ) on the best way to do something. So I get on the plane land get to Osaka walk to the consulate and of course you can't pick up the visa until after 3p.m. Next I tried to find his shitty hotel. I went down about a dozen unmarked streets. I asked the police at the police station. I asked postal workers in the post office. I searched for 5 hours and I haven't found the place to this day. So I had to use my rather limited funds to pay for the hotel I would have gotten for myself in the first place after hours of walking.

Next Day

I pick up my visa at the consulate after 3p.m. and search for a new hotel room and find a new flight home. Meanwhile he is emailing me to call him if I need any assistance. I laugh because I didn't need him fucking up my life anymore than he already had. I had a ball in Osaka I hit some nightclubs, met some very cooperative young ladies, and had some great meals. The next day I go to the airport and beg the lady at the ticket agency to let me on the plane for free. I tell her my boss is an idiot and I am already being punished by having to fly to Korea. She felt sorry for me gave me a ticket and even bumped me up to first class.


  1. It is amazing how some of these idiots can run Hagwons considering how incompetent they are. Then again they are just in it for the money.

  2. Sounds like plain fiction to me. I call you out.

  3. Not an uncommon story...Of course anyone who has spent time in Korea, dealing with Koreans knows this kind of thing happenes all the time.

  4. happens...

    Japan is just so much beter than Korea for most things, not all things, but most. Especially the people.

  5. this is the best prose I ever read