Friday, March 12, 2010

Korean Bullshit: Conversations

I know for a fact that because I am a descendant of Cain that a lot of people in Korea consider me to be an inferior intellect. Perhaps they are right ,but why do Koreans speak to me and behave as if I'm retarded and if I am retarded why do they routinely leave me alone with their children.

Do you know what that is?

I was riding with my new co-teacher down a long winding country road when she turns to me and goes do you know what that is? I turn and look around for something unique to Korea that might not be immediately recognizable to a foreigner. I smile and ask her what are you referring? She says the car up

What the fuck are you kidding me? It would be a stupid question if she was unaware that I had spent two years in Incheon. It would be a stupid question if she was unaware that I was 7 months into this contract. But what makes this question absolutely kimchi retarded is the fact that every police car,uniform, and station in Korea looks exactly the same. Unlike my hometown which has different uniforms and colors for the Cleveland, East Cleveland, and Cleveland Hts police departments Korea's borge collective makes everybody wear the same uniform. So for her question to make sense I would have had to go nearly three years without seeing a police officer. I turned to her and asked her are you serious? I guess she had a moment of clarity and she didn't pipe up for the rest of the ride.

Party Time

My first apartment in Korea was Patima shitty officetel in Yeonsu -Gu. The building was the cheapest piece of shit my asshole boss could find. The dimensions were 12x6 (not unlike an American prison) sometimes I would cook dinner while still sitting on the bed by reaching over and turning on the stove. The apartment had one large shade with mold on it to keep the sun out of my easterly facing window. In this shit hole lived all the foreign teachers from my organization plus a few others from various academies. One of my friends from another school decides to throw a party on a friday night. They have liquor and food and music. I stop by the party after my workout for 10 minutes because it was cold and there wasn't any place to sit. As I am going down the hall I pass the buildings security guard. I didn't recognize him because he was vertical and wearing a shirt and pants. He then goes out to the balcony and starts yelling about the noise. The following Monday I get a call to report to the hagwon owners office.

Ms. Lee - the building called they are thinking of throwing you out of the building.
Me- Why? i don't make any noise I pay my bills and I am barely there?
Lee they said you had party
Me- I didn't have a party, a friend of mine had a party with about 5 foreigners
and 6 or 7 Koreans
Lee Well they said it was your party
Me- I didn't have a party and I was at the party less time than the security
Lee well the building manager said your party makes loss of noise
Me What part of I didn't throw a goddamn party don't you fucking understand.
Was there any Koreans there?
Lee I guess so
me Good than you know I didn't throw it because the only Koreans I know are
you and your staff and i wouldn't invite you and yours to shit.And why is
my job being called there were plenty of white people and Koreans at that
Lee O.K. well next time don't throw a loud party
Me take me now lord

McDonalds: I'm Lovin it

I'm sitting in my classroom illegally downloading music and listening to Fresh Air when the manager walks in. He sidles up to the desk and says Michael I need to ask you a question? Did you throw your McDonalds garbage into the toilet? A little background, this school was a preschool-elementary school located in one of the most affluent areas of Incheon called New Songdo.My boss rented space inside the school from which to run her shit hagwon. This school had maybe 90 students under the age of 13 coursing through the halls on any given day but instead of asking one of them he questions me.

Choi: Did you throw McDonalds in the toilet I'm asking the teachers because the school is unhappy.

Me( headphones on) What?

Choi: (repeats)

Me: _So let me get this straight you think I got up an extra 30 minutes early, walked 7 5 blocks out of my way, bought McDonalds, walked for another 15 minutes to the bus stop. Rode the bus 20 minutes ,walked for another 20 minutes to get to the school,climbed the stairs to the second floor, and then threw the garbage into a urinal. Is that what you are asking me?

Choi: (Head scratch stupid look,head scratch) Well Yes.

Me : o.k. before I answer let me ask you a question you have two kids right? O.K.
now say you come home from a long day of what you call work and you see McDonalds in the toilet. Do you (a) blame your bitch wife or (b) first question your kids?

At this point he gets mad and stomps away because I have managed to both insult his intelligence and call his wife a bitch.


  1. I like the McDonalds story bestbecause of this;

    "At this point he gets mad and stomps away because I have managed to both insult his intelligence and call his wife a bitch."

    Sweet! :)

  2. You couldn't have put it more eloquently..Man wont I miss this blog.There is probably lots of korean netizens cheering for the demise of this blog

  3. Well, his wife is a bitch. It's about time he found out about it.

  4. That is some entertaining bullshit indeed.

  5. something is missing - i can't read part of the post about what she asked about the police car. dying to know! i get tons of retarded questions daily. I wonder if it comes out wrong because their english sucks? or they have nothing to say... and they're just trying to make conversation? I once had a chic ask me if i knew about the party at my house on friday... like the email FROM ME with the map to my house wasn't a tipoff... and who ELSE would be hosting it? what the.... and another coworker in an office with 4000 people in it (5 on our floor alone) said... fk, it pisses me off still... she said "oh! there you are - mr. kim is loooking for you. he was at your desk a minute ago, can you call him?!" i just stared at her with an "are u on crack?" look, and then she said " don't know who he is..." I answered with a slow and flat NO, resisited the urge to slap her, and walked away.