Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Most Offensive Thing I Have Ever Heard

I have been called a nigger on several occasions in kimchiland. I have been referred to as a nigger by my co-workers and employers. I have heard it in stores and restaurants. I've read it on message boards and in the comment section of my own blog. Hell one of my moist homosexual stalkers even went so far as to dedicate an entire blog to calling me a nigger.

That being said the most offensive thing that has ever been said to me occurred on the filthy streets of Itaewon. I was walking along the street last weekend ignoring the pleas of Korean businessmen to come down/upstairs and peruse their selection of throwback jerseys( as if this was 2003). I kindly and firmly deny their entreaties until I am stopped by a dastardly fiend. This 100 year old Korean man with his comb-over of jet black hair stopped me and spewed the most horrid of epithets. He said you look like you need a Steve Harvey suit. I was shocked and appalled. I would have felt better if he would have said you look like you suck cock,or you look like you rape cats, or you look like you own an English language hagwon. But no he hit me with the gravest insult one could imagine. He asked me if I would like a Steve Harvey suit?

The Steve Harvey suit is a multi -button monstrosity that usually comes in colors not found in nature.

The suits is championed by and named after fellow Clevelander Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey is a famous comedian who has had a couple of t.v. shows, a best-selling relationship book, and a nationally syndicated radio program. He is also the proprietor of the tackiest suits in all of creation.

Since we are both from Cleveland I have been a party to his tacky suit and accessory consumption first hand at Mr. Albert's Men's World on Prospect avenue right downtown. I've watched in open mouth terror as he tried to coordinate lime green "gators" with a pink tie and a peach colored pocket square.I've seen him order custom dyeing of grape colored ostrich boots to match his pants. I shudder when I think about some of the suits he wore on his t.v. show.

Still reeling from the gut punch the old Korean delivered I tried to simultaneously choke down the vomit in my mouth and keep from crying. I said sir do I look like someone who has been recently drafted into the NBA?

I quickly ran away from him back to my cheap motel room in Itaewon. I spent the entire night laying in the fetal position of the dirty cold floor furiously trying to clean myself screaming unclean unclean.


  1. You met Steve Harvey? You should've slapped him silly for being a corny nigga. Damn he's corny.

  2. That's pretty despicable. You probably have post traumatic stress disorder now.

  3. you dont want a size xxxxxxxxl John Elway fake jersey? not even a ignorant g.i. from Tulsa would buy that shit.

  4. You poor thing. That's horrible. The Steve Harvey suit is just a bad take on a zoot suit riot.