Nigerians, Fat Chicks, and Mud Ducks

One of my Korean readers sent in a comment describing me as a fried chicken eating, watermelon loving, Kool-Aid drinking nigger in so many words. I thought it was so funny that I was going to write a post about the Korean love affair with fried chicken and watermelon and call it Black Like Me. But quite frankly I didn't feel like going to get art for the post. So instead I have decided to dedicate this post to answering a reader question.


I have read a lot of accounts of the Nigerian wannabe gangsters and stuff in Itaewon. Are they really a big problem over there?


Well children I personally respect the Nigerians hustle. From all accounts Nigeria is a terrible violent place racked with crime and poverty. To escape Nigeria men; and some women, get on planes and fly thousands of miles for a chance at a new and better life.I respect that because there are cats in my neighborhood in Cleveland who wouldn't go to Akron in search of work. I have met Nigerians in Japan, Thailand, and Korea . When they come to Korea they have to take the 3D (dangerous, dirty,difficult) jobs for as little as 3.00 dollars per hour. Those with enough hustle and luck escape the Korean factories and open their own businesses in Itaewon. Mostly clothes and hair shops but a few make money by shoving drugs into their assholes and smuggling it around Asia. Now to get a resident visa a Nigerian must marry a Korean woman and that is where the fake gangsterism comes in.


There is a certain type of Korean woman who is enthralled by hip hop culture. You'll see her walking around in a velour Phat Farm short set with a Kangol and door knocker earrings. The male counterpart to this is not actual African-American men in Korea. Rather it is the Nigerians who wear full basketball uniforms, wave caps incorrectly, matching tennis shoes, and fake gold fronts. It is like they are channeling 50 cent and Lil Jon at the same time. So anyway the prime mating ground of these two species is a club in Itaewon called the King's Club. The King's Club is dark and tacky with Filipina bar girls and a tiny dance floor. I have been there on a few occasions and I have literally seen Nigerian cats push Black women out of the way to get to at a fat white girl or Korean mud duck in her entourage.




I was sitting in a restaurant reading my 15.00$ G.Q. magazine when this Nigerian cat and white girl came in and sat at the adjacent table. The white girl looked like a blond version of Ruby and the Nigerian looked like Soulja Boy. So I'm sitting here listening to their conversation and he is laying it on thick.


Nigerian (in his cookie monster accent): You are the prettiest girl I have ever seen
White Girl( in her Texas corn pone drawl): Really
Nigerian: Yes you are so sexy to me I love your skin
White Girl: Oh thank you
Nigerian: You have a sexy body


Now here children is where I almost threw up in my mouth. The Nigerian cat is looking at me out of the corner of his eye as if he were in a convertible Bentley and I pulled up in a '93 Civic , looking like if you would have made different choices in your life maybe you would be sitting here with all this white woman. So he and I lock eyes and I'm shaking my head no like in one of those movies with a bomb linked to a car ignition switch. But he does it anyway, he involves me in his wack game.


Nigerian: Hey Brudda sexy lady right?
Me: ????????


Now I hate cosigning bullshit and it is a tactical error involving a man you don't know in your game. So I'm stalling and all I can think about is my theories on fat ugly women. You see children I developed this theory about fat ugly women after many months of working for a horrendous looking Black woman at Social Security. This chick was about 5'9 230 lbs of gooey bad attitude wrapped in Lane Bryant polyester pant suits from 1989. She wore tons of foundation (which made her look like she was about to perform a minstrel show) cherry red lipstick and grape colored eyeshadow. The finishing touch was; and I kid you not children, a Stoney Jackson jheri curl . So I would look at this killer clown she-monster everyday and I came to the conclusion that the only way I or any other moderately attractive male would pay her any attention is if she was completely open sexually and bought me things. So I figure in her youth she did just that. She was probably doing anal 25 years ago when it wasn't popular. Guys probably made her get on all fours and rode her around the bedroom in a makeshift master blaster costume. She also looked like she signed for a lot of car loans in her time. ( As an experiment ask your fattest ugliest female friend has she ever heard the phrase " we gon' do some new shit tonight" as a prelude to something humiliating, disgusting, or dangerous. I guarantee she has. )


So I decide that I am going to help old boy out. If he likes it I love it.


Me: Yeah man I was thinking, I hope you go to the bathroom or something so I can talk to her.
I'm feeling the blond hair and and those thick thighs. I bet she has a nice ass. I love a
thick woman. What's your name sweetheart?


So old boy is looking at me like hey that's enough and she is blushing(which makes her look like Santa Claus)


Me: you a lucky dude good thing you got to this woman before I did you two have a good night.


I know I did enough to soak down her panties which should have made it plenty easy for my Nigerian brother to seal the deal. The funny thing is I have seen this scenario played out with Korean women and at the end of three years when the Nigerian cat gets his Korean citizenship he divorces the Korean mud duck and brings over his real wife from Nigeria.