Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Prayer Changes Nothing.

0h brother, pray; in spite of Satan, pray; spend hours in prayer; rather neglect friends than not pray; rather fast, and lose breakfast, dinner, tea, and supper - and sleep too - than not pray. And we must not talk about prayer, we must pray in right earnest. The Lord is near. He comes softly while the virgins slumber."(I like this invocation because it makes God seem like a child molester.)

Before my conversion to virulent atheism I was first associate pastor and choir director (even though I'm not gay) of Bedside Baptist Holy City Faith and Deliverance Ministries Center of Love African Methodist Episcopalian Church of God In Christ.My co-worker at Social Security didn't think that being an associate pastor at B.B.H.C.F.D.M.C.L.A.M.E.C.O.G.I.C. was fulfilling my spiritual needs. So everyday we would join hands and I would recite a DMX prayer complete with tone and awkward cadence.
When I came to Korea I found myself in the need of the Lord's assistance in dealing with my new co-warriors for Christ so I developed new prayers. Please feel free to use any prayer you see here until my copyright goes through.

(Why is this dude screaming and whispering)

Protection(my first night in Korea)

Dear "God and baby Jesus" please protect my asshole. I just got off of an 18 hour flight and I cannot stay awake Lord. Cunt Lee threw me into a sketchy apartment with interior doors that don't lock and the promise of a night time visitor. Please sweet baby Jesus you know I sleep on my stomach I beg of you o' merciful lord that my Irish roommate does not have the taste for sweet chocolate ass tonight. In Jesus name

Supplication(my 3rd week in Korea)

Dear "God of the armies of Israel" thank you for keeping the Irishman out of my asshole.It was touch n go a couple of nights but you saw me through it. Now blood of the eternal lamb of peace we have bigger problems. There is the lady called Cunt Lee who insist on not paying me what she owes. She is also being very mean to me. So please dear baby Jesus away in the manger no crib for a bed give her brain and ass cancer. I want the cancer from the top of her head to roll around up there for a few years while the ass cancer is having a party down below. After a few years sweet Jesus let the two cancers meet in the spot where her heart should be and she dies. On the way to her funeral please Jesus let her skinny jean wearing husband die on that fucking Schwinn bicycle by getting his ponytail caught in a garbage truck. In Jesus name

Comfort(2 months later)

Dear "The stone which the builders disallowed" I know it has been a while but frankly we only talk when I want something(by the by haven't heard anything about ass or brain cancer) anywho please show me your overwhelming love for me by removing the need to eat regularly. You see I am a selfish and broken vessel O lord. I selfishly want to receive payment for work I have performed for Cunt Lee instead of being happy about the involuntary fast she has placed me on for your glory. Also I know that paying for heat might get in the way of tithing so I know your spiritual angel Cunt Lee placed me in an apartment with no heat. Thank you Jesus in your infinite wisdom for delivering me into the hands of Cunt Lee. In Jesus Name

Physical Healing(5 months later)

Dear "The shadow of a great rock in a weary land", still no word on the cancers I ordered up. Anyway as I lay here in the fetal position thank you for delivering me into the land of kimchi with no anti-bodies to any local strains of disease. I know it was not my place to suckle on a Korean teat during my small years but can you in your infinite wisdom please lift one of my plagues as I continue living in this Korean bathhouse lord. I mean the pink eye is glorious (never had it before), the rash was aged to perfection, and the ear infection tres magnifique. But a runny nose, I must draw the line here. Every time I blow my nose the Koreans take it as a signal for free English lessons and I have a very sore throat. I'm going to go bathe in the hepatitis pool now Jesus I'll speak to you soon. In Jesus Name.

Mike in Korea


  1. shit, that right there is enough to convince me to give up on belief in the Lord-- not that I had much to start, but you pretty much cemented that. You want me to come on down there with my dragon-lady wife and let that mongol boss know she has 2 choices? Pay you or else? The "else" being the path of the righteous man that is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

  2. You can visit Cunt Lee if you like but I think your wife my meet her match. She made my next boss cry when she asked her for my release. As for the Sam L. you don't know how close I came to killing her.But that is a story for another day.

  3. I thought I was the only 'virulent atheist'... Well, I'm glad to meet another.