Wednesday, February 17, 2010

There's an asshole with a banjo downstairs. And other assorted stories of fuckery.

I am composing this at 6:30 p.m. Wednesday Feb 17 2010 to the tune of vigorous live strumming on a goddamn banjo. You see children I live in Han-Mi one room which is the Ammityville of Korea. The Korean-American guy on the first floor says the building owners are not going to rent to foreigners after the current leases are up and in this situation I can't blame them. This building is like Santa's land of misfit toys.
Bill looked like this guy except all of his hair was gray and he was bald with
bushier eyebrows.

On the first floor next to the building's owners apartment lived Bill. Bill is about 57 years old and he teaches elementary school children at various local schools. Bill wears thick black wayfarer ,Buddy Holly style glasses, has a shiny bald head and unruly and long grey nose, beard, ear and eyebrow hair that is all connected. He only owns three pairs of cheap, shiny black dress pants, 2 pairs of shorts that were once shiny black dress pants, and various sweat stained t-shirts. In lieu of clothes his apartment was filled with about 2 dozen musical instruments. Violins, Korean drums,violas, and a fucking oboe for God's sake. Late at night he would play these instruments in a creepy symphony disturbing all the Koreans unfortunate enough to share walls with him. So last summer I went outside because it is very humid next to a fetid pond. It is about 1:00 am and I see a ghostly figure in thelurid glow of the street lights. I'm curious because in that direction there is a helicopter landing pad and an archery club neither of which would be in use at this time of morning. Before I continue let me remind you that i live across the street from a high school with dorms. So I'm watching this figure come out of the mist like Swamp Thing and I recognize it's Bill. But Bill isn't wearing a shirt. I'm thinking Koreans won't like that. I look again and Bill isn't wearing any shorts. All that creepy son of a bitch was wearing was all-black Korean walking shoes. Apparently Bill was skinny dipping; or sodomizing,murdering, and drowning a body, and decided that the wind felt good on his pink balls and grey pubes so he walked home naked. I'm scared to death at this point because he spotted me and we are about 20 meters from each other. He stops moving when he sees me and we stare at each other as if he is a deer and I am a '89 Cutlass Supreme.I'm shook daddy because I didn't have my Korean shank or anything on me. I move away from the building in the opposite direction to give him a chance to get to his apartment while simultaneously increasing the distance between us. He goes in and then I realize that to get to my apartment I have to take the stairs near his apartment. I had visions of him wielding a knife naked with his black walking shoes on hacking me to death on those dirty steps.i couldn't sleep for a week behind that shit. Bill was later thrown out of the building after annoying the landlord one too many times.


Deep in the heart of Texas

Directly below me there are a couple of recent college grads who like to play shit kicker music all times of the day and night. They remind me of this joke I once heard.

Guy goes up to his friend
You want to go to a party there'll be drinking, drugging, dancing, laughing, sucking, fighting, and fucking.
Wow sounds like a good time how many people are going to be there?
Oh just you and me
These two share a studio even though they were provided with two individual rooms by the Board of Education, the girl told me that they use the other room for storage. A few months ago I hear all this racket . I check the time. 2:30 and the boyfriend is banging on the door of their apartment. This goes on for a half hour. I put on my shorts and go downstairs to see if he needs some help. I was thinking maybe he locked himself out and didn't have money for the love motel. He says he's fine so I go back to bed. 20 minutes later I here the sound of something hitting a window. It is that asshole throwing a shoe against her/their window. That went on for another 5 minutes until he either got tired, the police were called, or she let him in. Last Saturday night I here a big crash and screaming. Doors are slamming which is odd because this is a building filled with studio apartments and there aren't any doors that lead anywhere.
They must have made up because I woke up to a banjo serenade the next morning.

9 comments:

  1. Damn. Sounds like an ... interesting place to live. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yikes! Those black hiking shoes are scary enough on their own, but being worn by a naked, hairy, white guy emerging from a pond? Sounds like swamp thing. Only with black hiking shoes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I might write another post detailing our creepy conversations.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The only the lousier than a group of Koreans is the lousy crap that comes from other continents.

    I think I might want to marry you because now I can read your blog! Damn my lousy eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Easy on busting on my beloved peopleofwalmart from the beloved Homeland, the Republic of Texas... Sir Mike. But hey... as the man said somewhere... them STEREOTYPES... whatever they are... kinda gotta way of playing themselves out sometimes.. ;)

    By the way... in case you haven't heard...

    MR. ASMITH WANTS YOU!

    Come share your wit, wisdom, and experience with the poor "disturbed loners" and other Wonderful sycophants over at www.asmith123.proboards.com.

    A man with your insights, intelligence, and integrity would bring a much needed breath of sanity, reason, purpose, order, structure and meaning to a small board filled with a bunch of raving and ranting loons seemingly about one-click from going postal somewhere here in the Hermit Kingdom.

    Of course, you wouldn't necessarily have to register yourself over there as Black Mike, you can pick any old username you want.

    Thing is, Asmith... aka Mr. Wonderful ... NEEDS you now, Black Mike!

    Why just last night he was raving at his henchmen over there, "Where's that f***ing Black Mike! Why isn't HE the hell on the board!" Even now, instead of being at school, he's down in his bunker chain-smoking, eating Shabu-Shabu, dodging piles of dog poop, drinking his Toad Juice obsessively worrying about the economy, with a shotgun over his knees watching Glenn Beck as you read this.

    Mr. Wonderful needs YOU ...as THE MAN ... to be the Eyes and Ears and VOICE of Black Americans currently teaching, working and living here in the Hermit Kingdom to bring some much needed "perspective" over to An Idiot's Tale Message Board.

    JOIN TODAY!

    ReplyDelete
  6. too many niggers flying around over there for me to comfortably join. besides I barely write this blog why would I spend time on some random message boards. Also i never dubbed myself "Black Mike" I was given that moniker by an Idiot

    ReplyDelete