Thursday, October 22, 2009

Retarded Korean Ninja Stalker

asA lot of people ask me how long have I been in and Korea to which I reply off and on since 2007. They then say so you speak pretty good Korean right? I smile and assure them that my Korean is worse today than when I arrived for various reasons not the least of which is personal motivation. I am simply uninterested in what Korean people have to say to me. Generally, when I am stopped in the street Korean people ask me in English or Korean the following.

Where are you from?
How long have you lived in Korea?
What do you do?
Where do you work?

Now I can answer those questions in English or Korean but why should I bother?
Invariably my inquisitor is either a small child prompted by his/her mother
or an old man. In other words people I couldn't imagine wanting to speak to less. If you ever see me speaking to a Korean person just know I am mentally going

one Mississippi
two Mississippi
I give kids 10 seconds and everyone else 5 seconds before I walk away.

You see children I am only interested in two types of conversation. Conversation A leads to sex either directly or indirectly. In Korea most girls speak some level of English so if she isn't willing to speak to you in English she probably isn't interested in you. Besides, I have found it infinitely easier to have sex with fellow foreign teachers than trying to get the kitty off of a Korean chick. Therefore, I have no sexual motivation to learn the language. Conversation type B leads to money in one shape or form and Korean really isn't a money language. I would do better learning Chinese or Japanese for monetary purposes.

So you maybe asking what can you say T?
I can say the following:

Don't touch me
Leave me alone
Don't do that
What are you looking at
Do you want to fight

Because i get to practice these phrases alot I am well versed in them. For example, yesterday while I was on a bus from Daegu to Hapcheon a drunken old man sat behind me smelling like sour sausages and cabbage. This old fuck preceded to hit me in the head and then look out of the window like I'm crazy. He hits me again and at this point I could call for assistance in Korean but I don't bother because I know how Koreans react to foreigners being accosted by Koreans.

When I was living in Incheon I had a retarded stalker. This boy was about 6'3 270lbs of retard strength and everytime he saw me he would feel compelled to run over and knock the headphones from my head and touch my hair. Now usually I have finely tuned instincts when it comes to Korean bullshit and I am able to sidestep drunken or stupid Koreans yards before they can get to me. But this retarded kid would thwart my best efforts. I am in McDonalds he is behind me. Shopping in the store behind me. On the elevator to the gym behind me . So I moved to a different neighborhood and the retarded kid sees me and we are in front of about 6 adult Korean women. He starts in with his retarded shit and I have had it with him. I call out in Korean for help and those bitches stand there like those " see no evil" monkeys. So now I'm pissed I take my spray bottle of bleach and hydrogen peroxide( I carry it because Korean gyms have no concept of hygiene) and I am spraying him in the face like a dog on the couch. The retarded kid is licking it off and moving forward so I decided I am going to teach him a lesson. After years of studying Muay Thai my right shin has calcified and it hurts like hell when I kick people. So I turned and kicked him on his thigh and once on his ass. He falls down and starts wailing like Chewbocca and then the Korean bitches run over to help him and they start yelling at me.

So I'm on this bus and some Buddhist Monks get on. Now it wouldn't do to give an old man a Menace II Society style ass whipping in front of nuns so I bide my time. We get to Hapcheon and I sit there everyone gets off the bus he walks past my seat and I stick a foot out. Down goes Frazier , he is face first on the bus floor as I step over him to leave.


  1. Man you must be damn good, if You get those young es-pats and are 72 years old.

  2. omg u are fuking hilarious!! u shud write a book!! xx

  3. You sound so negative, cynical and aggressive in all your blog entries. It is really that bad? Maybe you should leave Korea before it's too late and the ppl mess you up forever.

  4. “The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”Shaw

    I'm just telling stories from my point of view I fancy myself a fairly dispassionate observer of the human condition. Plus i don't research anyplace I go before I get there and as such had no preconceived notions of Korea or Koreans. So any impressions I have were definitely formed here. But thanks for commenting and keep reading I have some positive post coming up.

    BTW if you think I am nasty read a blog called "Korean Rum Diary"

  5. ur so lucky that people pay attention to u. as an asian living in states i didnt have my native language conveniently posted everywhere or people try to speak my native tongue. people in states look at u funny automatically judge u bc dont speak perfect english. dont expect koreans to adapt to ur ways. if your going to stay in korea u should learn their culture and language. if u dont like it piss-off and go back to wherever u came from.
    M II S...u think that funny what if the roles were reversed... it was a korean guy w/loaded gat talking shit about black people then shooting the n..... in the head and calling him obscenities... now that would be funny.


  7. I have the most intelligent readers in the world. Go back to Africa. How original.

  8. Good blog Mike. Don't pay attention to the haters.

  9. This was the funniest shit I've read in a while. (I'm a Canadian teaching in Seoul, agree with every call you've made...most of us do even if most of us don't admit it) I love that quote from Shaw you gave too. Totes. Anyway, you're a good writer. And I have a very hot image of you. cheers, will keep reading. You don't have to "get positive" just keep it real.

  10. thanks for the shout out. and I am smoking hot I'm like Bizarre from D12 mixed with Rick Ross and Urkel with a dash of Anthony Quinn for spice.

  11. Mike, I stumbled across your blog fifteen minutes ago. Here in Bu Yeo Eup in Chungcheongnam-Do, I get almost all of the nonsense you get minus the cracks about having Brown skin. Thanks for making this blog, and I hope that you and I can get together with my new friends from South Africa for some good times at the coolest club in Korea, which just so happens to be located here in Bu Yeo Eup: The Today Club.

  12. Are you still in Hapcheon? Can you escape from that place?

  13. Alright, drop me a line if you you are ever up for a beer and some Billiards with me and some very good people from Cape Town. You could reach me at

  14. Even with all the white privilege, many Koreans will also not sit next to me on public transportation.

    BTW your blog is great! Very honest. Very real.

  15. I can dig your words, man. And for those of you who are telling him to piss off if he doesn't like it-- put yourself in his position, and if you have been, then you should stfu because you have to know how hard it is to adapt to another culture, especially when the highlight of entertainment in the morning is seeing grown-ass men knock over elderly men and wome to get on a bus .5 seconds faster than everyone else. Stay classy, Korea.

  16. My comment ended up being pretty long so I blogged it. Great post Mike.