Monday, September 27, 2010

Paunchy Ponderous Pasties and the Black Men Who Love Them.

There seems to be a popular meme in American society regarding the preferences of African-American men for roomy white chicks. I will admit that some Black men have not relinquished the chains of their internalized bondage and thus fetishize less than stellar specimens of white femaledom. These Black men have been conditioned to accept the white aesthetic so completely that white skin ;no matter what wildebeest it is attached to, is seen as some sort of prize. I am not one of these men.

As I neared the conclusion of my contract in Satan’s anus, I started to ponder where to go next in the world. My friend ; having recently moved to Taiwan, suggested I join him in Taichung and apply for the MBA program at National Taiwan University. So I packed my bags and moved to Taichung in late March. Everything in Taiwan was a thousand times better than Korea. The food is tastier, the environment is cleaner, and I haven’t seen one dude pissing in a gutter at noon or sprawled out in that same gutter 12 hours later. I missed the application deadline because of difficulties in receiving my transcripts so I decide to stay here and apply again next March and work on my new e-zine.

So I take this job in Hsinchu Taiwan which is a pretty boring place on the condition that my boss allows me to rent a discount apartment on the third floor of the building. We agree and all is going well until the fat white chick moves in. I’m calling her the fat white chick because I never learned her name. So fat white chick moves in across the hall from me and I’m ignoring her because my attitude is if I can’t fuck it or get money out of it I have very little use for it. About mid-July I’m on the bus and I get a text message from my boss informing me that I had to move out by September 1st. I look at the message and ignore it because in general my Asian bosses have either been crazier than catshit or almost slow adult in the way they handle their business when it comes to me. The following week I’m in the teacher’s room trying to get her decrepit computer to work when she comes in to ask me if I received her text message. I told her I received it but I thought it was a mistake since most people aren’t silly enough to offer a person a place to stay for one year and then rescind the offer without explanation. She then says I decided to make that floor an all-girls dorm. To which I responded that’s fine but that is a decision you make after I leave . We have an agreement that precedes your sudden braintrickle. I then ask about the white married couple and if they are also being asked to leave and she said yes and then storms out of the room in a huff. I asked the white guy Daniel and he told me he has never had a conversation about his apartment with the boss.

The following Thursday the lying bitch comes into the teacher’s room and asks if I found a new room yet because she is willing to put down the deposit. I told her that is the absolute least you can do considering you are effectively lowering my pay. She gave me the half a retard look that I think they practice here and said what do you mean. To which I explained to her the concepts of sunk cost and opportunity cost and if it really was her desire to have an all girl dorm she should have procured multiple apartments for my viewing, canceled my classes , and then paid any difference in rent between our agreement and the new rent I needed to pay. She was getting frustrated because Asians hate to lose face and one of the mud people was showing her up. I then said so what is this really about because the white guy doesn’t have to move but I do? She then hits me with one of the female teachers feels uncomfortable with you there . I said which one to which she responded I can’t say that she deserves her privacy , I said o.k. why doesn’t she feel comfortable and my boss said I don’t remember. I just start laughing and my boss gets upset and stomps away screaming you are driving me crazy.

There is some racial fuckery afoot.

It’s funny to me when people accuse Black people of using the race card when they are holding the deck ,and I am loathed to accuse someone of racism unless a preponderance of the available evidence overwhelmingly points to that conclusion. But ,in this situation it is the only thing that makes sense once you exclude the other variables. It can’t be noise because her bed is a good 30 feet from mine with two flame resistant steel doors and about a foot and half of poured concrete and rebar between us . And besides I’m usually not here on the weekends anyway. It could not be cleanliness because I don’t use the kitchen nor do I hang my clothes in the common area. It can’t be gender because there is another guy living on this floor that was not asked to leave. So applying lex parsimoniae I have to conclude that race is the issue, since that is the only material difference between me and any of the other people on the floor and I was not given any reason to think otherwise.

Fat White Bitches

I thought moving to Asia would to take me out of the cross hairs of fat white women. You see children I have had problem with fat white women my entire life. I think it started in second grade with Ms. Mengay, she brought me up to the front of the room and humiliated me because I misspelled pineapple and then asked me what I could spell. So I'm standing there in my clip on tie and short sleeve shirt eyeballing the albino walrus in her purple polyester pants and paisley blouse and I responded with I can spell fat. F-A-T fat . She immediately sent me to the Principal's office. In junior high school the fat white nun would make it point to single me amount for her version of passive aggressive ridicule so one day I stood up and decided to introduce her to my form of aggressive aggressive ridicule. So she starts in on me about something and I stand up in front of the class and asked if her if she was a nun because she was fat as a kid and no man down here would want her so she had to marry Jesus? (In my defense when questioned as to why she didn't have husband she said she was married to Jesus) So the nun is crying and in between sobs I get sent to the office. My senior year at white boy prep we hook up with the moo-cows from our sister school to attend a screening of Schindler's List . So on the way back I'm cracking jokes completely unrelated to the movie with my friends and you guessed it a fat white bitch starts screaming at me choking back tears about how insensitive I am. So I stand up; I was seated up front, and I said how stupid are you? You do realize that it was a movie and everyone in it is alive and well? I mean you go to an expensive school and you don't understand the difference between real and fake? For example if I gave you a hamburger you would happily eat it. If I drew you a hamburger you would eat the paper wishing it was a real hamburger . Later I worked my way through college selling ladies shoes at a department store. The women were a horror but my boss was a real piece of work. She was a bitch on two wheels all summer but the final straw came when she accused me of stealing. She brings me into her office and says we have video of you stealing from the register. I laugh and say o.k. show it to me to which she refuses. I said you don't have shit because you would like nothing more than to call the police and cart me off to jail for the weekend but you can't because I didn't steal anything and you know that. If you want to fire me go ahead but what's with all the bullshit? For some reason whenever they wanted to get rid of a Black employee at that store they would just accuse them of stealing and threaten to call the cops. When I was at Social Security my primary supervisor was a gelatinous white woman named Mary Jo Trent. Now this white woman was the worst of the worst. She actually made up an entire dossier of events just to get me suspended for 3 days. Even then it took her 8 months of compiling bullshit incidents to have enough things to even right down. Once a claimant came in all angry because she didn't receive a check.So I gave her the appeal form and said go fill it out over there. She takes one look at the chairs says I can't sit on those to which I responded mam we don't have any bigger chairs. I got a reprimand for that and I had to apologize for implying she was morbidly obese by my fat white boss. I guess they felt like they were in the sisterhood of the traveling oversize pants .

I have never been with a fat white bitch and as Jewish Space God is my witness I’ll never be with a fat white bitch. There seems to be a popular conceit among fat white women that they hold some inordinate amount of desirability among all men of African descent. Let me disabuse those ladies of that notion by saying Black men don’t like fat white women. Broke Black men with low self-esteem like fat white women and since I am neither of those things she held no interest for me. Now let me describe to you what my pallid porcine pest looks like. She was 5’2 and a deep breath away from being 200 pounds. She wore leggings under her huge skirts with and a shirt and/or vest that was antagonistic towards the rest of her ensemble. Think a bloated Debbie Gibson mixed with a Blossom/Mayim Bialik face and you have a pretty accurate picture. Hell add the weight of Debbie Gibson and Mayim Bialik and you have a pretty accurate picture.

The crazy part is I have never spoken to her nor leered in her direction. When I walk through the halls it is with my Ipod on listening to Fresh Air and minding my own business. In addition she’s seen my girl. The cute Asian chick cleaning my apartment or doing my laundry who weighs around half as much but is twice as cute. So even though I’m perceived as a sexually rapacious Negro, she should have realized that I play in an entirely different league and posed no threat to her. I mean if you owned a Lexus would you steal Kia Sophias on the weekend ?

So after weeks of agita, aggravation, and a coarsening of my professional relationship with my boss the bitch quits and moves back to Canada.

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  1. Fucking Hilarious! I feel the same way about you with standards. Never slum it! I have high standards. I'm into quality not quantity! I'm into hot intelligent women not fat white bitches! Also of all the reasons to have standards this is the most important. You do not just experience something as a once off event, the memory replays in your head over and over and over... You don't want shit passing through your head! You want happy memories and hot women passing through your head on the repeat cycle that is your mind.

  2. I join. It was and with me. Let's discuss this question.

  3. Fat bitches are nasty no matter what color they are.

  4. funny stuff you wrote

  5. I am a Black man and I hate fat chicks of all races. I have "yellow fever", actually, but since Asian women are not too keen on Black men, I live a life of celibacy. Still better than taking out the big, disgusting women most brothas are relegated to though.

    I've found that fat, gross white women going for Black men is similar in some ways to fat, gross white men being able to scoop up loads of hot asian girls.