Friday, June 3, 2011

Taiwan Story

I have to get this down before I get bored and decide to play video games and watch porn.

So for the past 6 months I have been looking for a job in Taiwan; which in itself is a delicious tale of fuckery , lies, and incompetence that I'll talk about sometime next week, and I started to go on a few interviews after months of applications and phone calls. This is an account of my last two weeks.

Monday May 16

I call a school in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and I speak to the owner about the position she advertised. In broken English she says come down for interview and a demonstration. Now I always send my resume and photo before I go to an interview because I don't want any surprise racial shit. I have spent a lot of money on buses and taxis only to have the owner/manager suddenly slip through a worm hole in the space/time continuum when the Black guy shows up. She says no I've seen your resume I know who you are you can come. Cut to me in shitty country town wandering around the open air markets killing time until she picks me up at 10:00. We were suppose to meet at the train station but since their train station had no chairs or a.c. I walked over to the local bank. Sitting in the bank in my shirt and tie I give her a ring 10 minutes prior to our scheduled meetup.

Me: Hi this is Mike I'm at the Post Office/Bank
Jennifer: O.k. which one?
Me: The one by the train station
Jennifer: O.k.

So I go outside and I see a newish Nissan pull up to the bank and then sit there as if they are waiting on someone. Suddenly the car pulls off.


Me: Hi this is Mike again I'm sitting outside
Jennifer: O.k. I'll be right there

The car languidly rolls to a stop about 10 meters from the entrance of the post office/bank door and stops. Now please keep in mind there aren't many cars in this shit town and certainly nothing was precluding her from parking on the street next to the bank.


Me: What color car are you driving?
Jennifer: I don't know
Me: O.k. what is your license plate number
Jennifer: ( rattles off a bunch of letters and numbers)

*btw her car was graphite but gray would have been close enough. Most normal people would have said I'm in the gray Nissan Rogue but this goes to show you the level of genius I'm dealing with in this industry.

I was holding this conversation as I was closing the distance between her car and me so by the time she gave me the license plate number I had already walked the 25 feet .

We have the interview and I tell her about my years of experience and I give her a copy of my certificates, diploma and references. She then asks if I would like to demo today. I said fine what level are they she just shrugs and hands me their book.I said o.k. when is the demo starting she said after their nap at 2pm. I thought about it and I simply didn't want to sit in this hot ass school for 3.5 hours so I said I'll come back tomorrow.

She drops me off at the train station so I can take the 1.5 hour train back to my home in Tainan. The next morning after spending an hour preparing for my demo I get a call as I am literally walking out of the door.

Jennifer: Sorry I have an emergency my foreign teacher friend got in an accident in Taichung
Me : Sorry to here that
Jennifer : So I have to cancel the demo
Me : O.k. how about tomorrow (Friday)
Jennifer: I might still be in Taichung. I'll call you next week

So I haven't heard from Jennifer but her imaginary friend is in my thoughts prayers. I'm just glad I didn't waste money on a second train ticket.

Tuesday May 30

I have two interviews that day . The first interview is at 11:00 a.m. on the other side of town so I get dressed and pay a taxi 8.00 to take me over there. I arrive at about 10:30 and the gate is pulled down. Ms. Chen and the lovely people of Joy English school are nowhere to be found. So I wait and call and wait and call until finally I had to get another taxi to take me to the train station. For my second appointment of the day.

I go to this school in the city my girlfriend lives in which is about an hour north of where I live in Tainan. I arrive at the school and everything is fine until I get to the classroom. This fucking room was on the second floor of this building filled with about 20 5 year old Taiwanese kids and a white girl name Serenity. The room itself was nice but it was hotter than Satan's Anus in there. It was like Bikram preschool. So I'm standing there sweating through my undershirt and custom made blue gingham cotton dress shirt with the monogram semi-spread collar trying to teach a one off lesson to kids holding a book pointing at fruit with one hand while holding a sweat towel like Thompson in Georgetown in the other. The principal observed two minutes of my lesson and walked out so I guess I'm not getting that job.(Note: teaching kindergarten kids English is illegal in Taiwan and if caught the teacher ;not the school' faces a 5000 usd fine and immediate expulsion) I haven't heard from them which is o.k because I couldn't imagine a greater slice of shit pie than teaching illegal full day kindy in a sauna.

On my way back to my house I call Ms. Chen and she says oh so sorry about that I had an emergency. (google translate I'm an asshole and I forgot I scheduled an off hours interview) We schedule for that Friday.

Thursday May 26

I had an interview with a foreign run school in Kaoshiung. Sweet baby Jesus I hope I get this one . Western management in my favorite city 5 day work week and good pay. I'm supposed to get a call next week about the demo class.


I take another crosstown taxi to this school to meet Ms.Chen at 1:30. We are going through the perfunctory questions and answers. When it is my turn to ask a question I ask my standard how many total teachers do you have? Of that how many are foreign? How many foreign teachers complete the contract? Of those how many resign? How many teachers have you fired? So she answers the questions and then tells me she has fired 8 foreign teachers in her 10 years at the school. She then tells me she doesn't understand why I've been looking for a job for so long so I do my best to tap dance around the issue.

Ms. Chen: I don't get it you should be hired pretty quickly
Me : Well you know after Chinese Years is one of the main hiring seasons but I wasn't in
the market until just after that time.
Ms.Chen: Well I still don't see the problem
Me : Well there are a lot of job applicants for few opportunities.

So I'm tap dancing like a young Savion Glover around the issue and this bitch just will not let it go .

Ms. Chen: I don't know it should take a month or less to find a job.
Me : I don't know perhaps
Ms.Chen: I mean we have been trying for a month

This went on for 15 minutes


Me: O.k. look for every interview I go on I have to send out about 60 resumes.
Of those 60 resumes a high percentage of them would never consider a Black man.
Of the ones that would I'm still competing with everybody else for those positions. So just because it is possible doesn't mean it is probable I'll be hired. People here have their preferences and Black men aren't it.

Ms. Chen: Really

Me: Yeah I have called people back after they initiated the contact then they say we don't like
Black guy here.

So at this point my desire to work here is eroding by the nanosecond. This raggedy mouth amatuerish bitch is pontificating on her half baked racial theories and I'm just ready to leave at this point

Ms. Chen : Yeah I have a problem with Black guys too so I understand but I decide to give it a
Me : Really
Ms. Chen : Yeah one time I hired a Black guy and he was drunk and he stole some textbooks
when he quit. So I am really hoping you can change my mind about Black guys.

Me : So let me get this straight you hired a Black guy and he was a bad employee right?
Ms. Chen: Yes
(vacant look)

Me: But you have hired and fired several white male teachers since then correct?
Ms.Chen Right
Me: So a bad white teacher isn't a consideration in your hiring of a new white teacher but all future Black male applicants need to atone for what he was. That isn't fair and I'm not interested in that.

I gather my materials to leave.

Ms. Chen: Would you still like to do the demo?

Me : Hell no you don't pay enough.


  1. If they ate kimchi they could be Korean!

  2. Do you prefer Taiwan over South Korea?