A day in my life

1:00 pm Hi,Michael,
Can you come to Taichung and have an interview this week?
Melissa

1:02 pm Yes I can go to Taichung on Friday. ME

1:03 pm How about 1 oclock this Friday afternoon?
melissa

1:05 pm That sounds great Me

1:10 pm see you on friday.My phone number is 0932534536/0426656932
I can pick you at Shalu train station or Providence university in Shalu,Taichung
melissa



11:30 pm Text message with address

Text message
June 09 2011
Sorry we cant offer the position Melissa in Taichung

Superman Syndrome

I read an interesting piece over at What the Kimchi about a white guy who couldn't fathom a person not singing the praises of Korean people. In my mind all it meant was he probably hasn't spent a lot of time speaking to Thai, Filipino, or Nigerian factory workers, Russian hookers, or South East Asian juicy girls. But it is deeper than that of course, the way those largely invisible people are treated would have no bearing on the perception and treatment of a white male from a wealthy western nation. The invisible privilege cloak that those men walk around with allows them to not only not see the disparate treatment of others , it also allows them to discount and marginalize the experiences other whose accounts are wildly different. It is sort of like living next door to a serial killer who was also the town's little league coach. They often bring that incredulity to the discussion of Korean culture vis-a-vis foreigners.

If you are at all familiar with Superman comics you know that Superman comes from Krypton a dead planet that orbited a red sun. On Krypton the boy known as Kal-El would have grown up to be an average shithead. But fate allowed him to be rocketed to a planet with a yellow sun. He found that he was bigger, stronger , faster and some ways smarter than the people of his new home. Instead of being a Kryptonian zero he was now an Earth hero. This is not dissimilar to the transformation a lot of white men go through as they step off the plane in Incheon airport. Suddenly they are slightly taller than all of the people around them. Women are finding them better looking and since these women speak low to intermediate English every word they utter is met with raucous adulation not seen since the death of Oscar Wilde. The streets of Seoul are literally overflowing with vagina and money. If you don't like your girl replace her with two more . If you don't like your job quit and get released and find a new one or don't get released and do private teaching for 50.00 to 80.00 per hour. Nothing they do will effect them adversely which leads to an almost bulletproof feeling just like Superman.

What's funny is these people actually think their situation is a product of some sort of personal goodness or innate quality that was invisible to the people they grew up with but was manifested and recognized by the inscrutable wise ancient Asian culture. Perhaps , but my theory is that the overvaluation of white skin has its roots in economic and cultural imperialism. For the past 600 years or so the Western European nations have dominated the global economic market coupled with the fact that most Asian countries put a premium on white skin has led to the fetish like worship of white people. As the stranglehold on the global marketplace waned it was replaced by the greatest intellectual imperialistic force in the history of mankind in the form of Hollywood. Every movie and t.v. shown on H.B.O and AXN is a celebration of white beauty, white talent, and white intelligence and you can be sure if the movie has a hero it is going to be a white man.

Damn it Mike I think you are just talking shit. Well perhaps let's see what's at the Box Office

Barry Switzer

Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.

One might question why I singled out white men and quite frankly it is because I have never met a non-white male Hanophile. Sure , there are many people who had or are having a great time in Korea. But I have never personally met or read any non-white male speak effusively about their love of Korea. Most of the people I have met temper their praise of Korea by acknowledging that either the experience wasn't one hundred percent positive or a one hundred percent positive was not the norm. The white women I met also gave a more nuanced account because even though they enjoy even more privilege in Korea their egos aren't tied up in in bedding down Koreans. An average looking woman has had the ability to have sex on command since she was 13 years old and though in some ways creepier , Korea is nothing new.

So why the knee jerk defense of all things Korea? If I say it is a shit stain and they say it is Valhalla can't we both be right. I readily admit that my impression of Korea is colored by who I am as a person but I think the kimpartisans have a vested interest in defending the culture of Korea. If Korea holds them in high regards and I point out the myriad ways they are in fact shitheads whose opinions should never be trusted I have in essence lowered the value of their opinion of that person.

Ultimately, I don't expect them to recognize their privilege in Asia anymore than I expect them to recognize it in the U.S. I want them to keep singing Korea's name to the rafters but please don't act like I'm intellectually or socially deficient because my time in the Land of the Morning Bullshit was very different.

Taiwan Story

I have to get this down before I get bored and decide to play video games and watch porn.

So for the past 6 months I have been looking for a job in Taiwan; which in itself is a delicious tale of fuckery , lies, and incompetence that I'll talk about sometime next week, and I started to go on a few interviews after months of applications and phone calls. This is an account of my last two weeks.

Monday May 16

I call a school in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and I speak to the owner about the position she advertised. In broken English she says come down for interview and a demonstration. Now I always send my resume and photo before I go to an interview because I don't want any surprise racial shit. I have spent a lot of money on buses and taxis only to have the owner/manager suddenly slip through a worm hole in the space/time continuum when the Black guy shows up. She says no I've seen your resume I know who you are you can come. Cut to me in shitty country town wandering around the open air markets killing time until she picks me up at 10:00. We were suppose to meet at the train station but since their train station had no chairs or a.c. I walked over to the local bank. Sitting in the bank in my shirt and tie I give her a ring 10 minutes prior to our scheduled meetup.

9:50

Me: Hi this is Mike I'm at the Post Office/Bank

Jennifer: O.k. which one?

Me: The one by the train station

Jennifer: O.k.

So I go outside and I see a newish Nissan pull up to the bank and then sit there as if they are waiting on someone. Suddenly the car pulls off.

10:00

Me: Hi this is Mike again I'm sitting outside

Jennifer: O.k. I'll be right there

The car languidly rolls to a stop about 10 meters from the entrance of the post office/bank door and stops. Now please keep in mind there aren't many cars in this shit town and certainly nothing was precluding her from parking on the street next to the bank.

10:15

Me: What color car are you driving?

Jennifer: I don't know

Me: O.k. what is your license plate number

Jennifer: ( rattles off a bunch of letters and numbers)

*btw her car was graphite but gray would have been close enough. Most normal people would have said I'm in the gray Nissan Rogue but this goes to show you the level of genius I'm dealing with in this industry.

I was holding this conversation as I was closing the distance between her car and me so by the time she gave me the license plate number I had already walked the 25 feet .

We have the interview and I tell her about my years of experience and I give her a copy of my certificates, diploma and references. She then asks if I would like to demo today. I said fine what level are they she just shrugs and hands me their book.I said o.k. when is the demo starting she said after their nap at 2pm. I thought about it and I simply didn't want to sit in this hot ass school for 3.5 hours so I said I'll come back tomorrow.

She drops me off at the train station so I can take the 1.5 hour train back to my home in Tainan. The next morning after spending an hour preparing for my demo I get a call as I am literally walking out of the door.

Jennifer: Sorry I have an emergency my foreign teacher friend got in an accident in Taichung

Me : Sorry to here that

Jennifer : So I have to cancel the demo

Me : O.k. how about tomorrow (Friday)

Jennifer: I might still be in Taichung. I'll call you next week

So I haven't heard from Jennifer but her imaginary friend is in my thoughts prayers. I'm just glad I didn't waste money on a second train ticket.

Tuesday May 30

I have two interviews that day . The first interview is at 11:00 a.m. on the other side of town so I get dressed and pay a taxi 8.00 to take me over there. I arrive at about 10:30 and the gate is pulled down. Ms. Chen and the lovely people of Joy English school are nowhere to be found. So I wait and call and wait and call until finally I had to get another taxi to take me to the train station. For my second appointment of the day.

I go to this school in the city my girlfriend lives in which is about an hour north of where I live in Tainan. I arrive at the school and everything is fine until I get to the classroom. This fucking room was on the second floor of this building filled with about 20 5 year old Taiwanese kids and a white girl name Serenity. The room itself was nice but it was hotter than Satan's Anus in there. It was like Bikram preschool. So I'm standing there sweating through my undershirt and custom made blue gingham cotton dress shirt with the monogram semi-spread collar trying to teach a one off lesson to kids holding a book pointing at fruit with one hand while holding a sweat towel like Thompson in Georgetown in the other. The principal observed two minutes of my lesson and walked out so I guess I'm not getting that job.(Note: teaching kindergarten kids English is illegal in Taiwan and if caught the teacher ;not the school' faces a 5000 usd fine and immediate expulsion) I haven't heard from them which is o.k because I couldn't imagine a greater slice of shit pie than teaching illegal full day kindy in a sauna.

On my way back to my house I call Ms. Chen and she says oh so sorry about that I had an emergency. (google translate I'm an asshole and I forgot I scheduled an off hours interview) We schedule for that Friday.

Thursday May 26

I had an interview with a foreign run school in Kaoshiung. Sweet baby Jesus I hope I get this one . Western management in my favorite city 5 day work week and good pay. I'm supposed to get a call next week about the demo class.

Friday

I take another crosstown taxi to this school to meet Ms.Chen at 1:30. We are going through the perfunctory questions and answers. When it is my turn to ask a question I ask my standard how many total teachers do you have? Of that how many are foreign? How many foreign teachers complete the contract? Of those how many resign? How many teachers have you fired? So she answers the questions and then tells me she has fired 8 foreign teachers in her 10 years at the school. She then tells me she doesn't understand why I've been looking for a job for so long so I do my best to tap dance around the issue.

Ms. Chen: I don't get it you should be hired pretty quickly

Me : Well you know after Chinese Years is one of the main hiring seasons but I wasn't in

the market until just after that time.

Ms.Chen: Well I still don't see the problem

Me : Well there are a lot of job applicants for few opportunities.

So I'm tap dancing like a young Savion Glover around the issue and this bitch just will not let it go .

Ms. Chen: I don't know it should take a month or less to find a job.

Me : I don't know perhaps

Ms.Chen: I mean we have been trying for a month

This went on for 15 minutes

(tired)

Me: O.k. look for every interview I go on I have to send out about 60 resumes.

Of those 60 resumes a high percentage of them would never consider a Black man.

Of the ones that would I'm still competing with everybody else for those positions. So just because it is possible doesn't mean it is probable I'll be hired. People here have their preferences and Black men aren't it.

Ms. Chen: Really

Me: Yeah I have called people back after they initiated the contact then they say we don't like

Black guy here.

So at this point my desire to work here is eroding by the nanosecond. This raggedy mouth amatuerish bitch is pontificating on her half baked racial theories and I'm just ready to leave at this point

Ms. Chen : Yeah I have a problem with Black guys too so I understand but I decide to give it a

try.

Me : Really

Ms. Chen : Yeah one time I hired a Black guy and he was drunk and he stole some textbooks

when he quit. So I am really hoping you can change my mind about Black guys.

Me : So let me get this straight you hired a Black guy and he was a bad employee right?

Ms. Chen: Yes

(vacant look)

Me: But you have hired and fired several white male teachers since then correct?

Ms.Chen Right

Me: So a bad white teacher isn't a consideration in your hiring of a new white teacher but all future Black male applicants need to atone for what he was. That isn't fair and I'm not interested in that.

I gather my materials to leave.

Ms. Chen: Would you still like to do the demo?

Me : Hell no you don't pay enough.

Paunchy Ponderous Pasties and the Black Men Who Love Them.

There seems to be a popular meme in American society regarding the preferences of African-American men for roomy white chicks. I will admit that some Black men have not relinquished the chains of their internalized bondage and thus fetishize less than stellar specimens of white femaledom. These Black men have been conditioned to accept the white aesthetic so completely that white skin ;no matter what wildebeest it is attached to, is seen as some sort of prize. I am not one of these men.



As I neared the conclusion of my contract in Satan’s anus, I started to ponder where to go next in the world. My friend ; having recently moved to Taiwan, suggested I join him in Taichung and apply for the MBA program at National Taiwan University. So I packed my bags and moved to Taichung in late March. Everything in Taiwan was a thousand times better than Korea. The food is tastier, the environment is cleaner, and I haven’t seen one dude pissing in a gutter at noon or sprawled out in that same gutter 12 hours later. I missed the application deadline because of difficulties in receiving my transcripts so I decide to stay here and apply again next March and work on my new e-zine.

So I take this job in Hsinchu Taiwan which is a pretty boring place on the condition that my boss allows me to rent a discount apartment on the third floor of the building. We agree and all is going well until the fat white chick moves in. I’m calling her the fat white chick because I never learned her name. So fat white chick moves in across the hall from me and I’m ignoring her because my attitude is if I can’t fuck it or get money out of it I have very little use for it. About mid-July I’m on the bus and I get a text message from my boss informing me that I had to move out by September 1st. I look at the message and ignore it because in general my Asian bosses have either been crazier than catshit or almost slow adult in the way they handle their business when it comes to me. The following week I’m in the teacher’s room trying to get her decrepit computer to work when she comes in to ask me if I received her text message. I told her I received it but I thought it was a mistake since most people aren’t silly enough to offer a person a place to stay for one year and then rescind the offer without explanation. She then says I decided to make that floor an all-girls dorm. To which I responded that’s fine but that is a decision you make after I leave . We have an agreement that precedes your sudden braintrickle. I then ask about the white married couple and if they are also being asked to leave and she said yes and then storms out of the room in a huff. I asked the white guy Daniel and he told me he has never had a conversation about his apartment with the boss.

The following Thursday the lying bitch comes into the teacher’s room and asks if I found a new room yet because she is willing to put down the deposit. I told her that is the absolute least you can do considering you are effectively lowering my pay. She gave me the half a retard look that I think they practice here and said what do you mean. To which I explained to her the concepts of sunk cost and opportunity cost and if it really was her desire to have an all girl dorm she should have procured multiple apartments for my viewing, canceled my classes , and then paid any difference in rent between our agreement and the new rent I needed to pay. She was getting frustrated because Asians hate to lose face and one of the mud people was showing her up. I then said so what is this really about because the white guy doesn’t have to move but I do? She then hits me with one of the female teachers feels uncomfortable with you there . I said which one to which she responded I can’t say that she deserves her privacy , I said o.k. why doesn’t she feel comfortable and my boss said I don’t remember. I just start laughing and my boss gets upset and stomps away screaming you are driving me crazy.


There is some racial fuckery afoot.


It’s funny to me when people accuse Black people of using the race card when they are holding the deck ,and I am loathed to accuse someone of racism unless a preponderance of the available evidence overwhelmingly points to that conclusion. But ,in this situation it is the only thing that makes sense once you exclude the other variables. It can’t be noise because her bed is a good 30 feet from mine with two flame resistant steel doors and about a foot and half of poured concrete and rebar between us . And besides I’m usually not here on the weekends anyway. It could not be cleanliness because I don’t use the kitchen nor do I hang my clothes in the common area. It can’t be gender because there is another guy living on this floor that was not asked to leave. So applying lex parsimoniae I have to conclude that race is the issue, since that is the only material difference between me and any of the other people on the floor and I was not given any reason to think otherwise.

Fat White Bitches

I thought moving to Asia would to take me out of the cross hairs of fat white women. You see children I have had problem with fat white women my entire life. I think it started in second grade with Ms. Mengay, she brought me up to the front of the room and humiliated me because I misspelled pineapple and then asked me what I could spell. So I'm standing there in my clip on tie and short sleeve shirt eyeballing the albino walrus in her purple polyester pants and paisley blouse and I responded with I can spell fat. F-A-T fat . She immediately sent me to the Principal's office. In junior high school the fat white nun would make it point to single me amount for her version of passive aggressive ridicule so one day I stood up and decided to introduce her to my form of aggressive aggressive ridicule. So she starts in on me about something and I stand up in front of the class and asked if her if she was a nun because she was fat as a kid and no man down here would want her so she had to marry Jesus? (In my defense when questioned as to why she didn't have husband she said she was married to Jesus) So the nun is crying and in between sobs I get sent to the office. My senior year at white boy prep we hook up with the moo-cows from our sister school to attend a screening of Schindler's List . So on the way back I'm cracking jokes completely unrelated to the movie with my friends and you guessed it a fat white bitch starts screaming at me choking back tears about how insensitive I am. So I stand up; I was seated up front, and I said how stupid are you? You do realize that it was a movie and everyone in it is alive and well? I mean you go to an expensive school and you don't understand the difference between real and fake? For example if I gave you a hamburger you would happily eat it. If I drew you a hamburger you would eat the paper wishing it was a real hamburger . Later I worked my way through college selling ladies shoes at a department store. The women were a horror but my boss was a real piece of work. She was a bitch on two wheels all summer but the final straw came when she accused me of stealing. She brings me into her office and says we have video of you stealing from the register. I laugh and say o.k. show it to me to which she refuses. I said you don't have shit because you would like nothing more than to call the police and cart me off to jail for the weekend but you can't because I didn't steal anything and you know that. If you want to fire me go ahead but what's with all the bullshit? For some reason whenever they wanted to get rid of a Black employee at that store they would just accuse them of stealing and threaten to call the cops. When I was at Social Security my primary supervisor was a gelatinous white woman named Mary Jo Trent. Now this white woman was the worst of the worst. She actually made up an entire dossier of events just to get me suspended for 3 days. Even then it took her 8 months of compiling bullshit incidents to have enough things to even right down. Once a claimant came in all angry because she didn't receive a check.So I gave her the appeal form and said go fill it out over there. She takes one look at the chairs says I can't sit on those to which I responded mam we don't have any bigger chairs. I got a reprimand for that and I had to apologize for implying she was morbidly obese by my fat white boss. I guess they felt like they were in the sisterhood of the traveling oversize pants .

I have never been with a fat white bitch and as Jewish Space God is my witness I’ll never be with a fat white bitch. There seems to be a popular conceit among fat white women that they hold some inordinate amount of desirability among all men of African descent. Let me disabuse those ladies of that notion by saying Black men don’t like fat white women. Broke Black men with low self-esteem like fat white women and since I am neither of those things she held no interest for me. Now let me describe to you what my pallid porcine pest looks like. She was 5’2 and a deep breath away from being 200 pounds. She wore leggings under her huge skirts with and a shirt and/or vest that was antagonistic towards the rest of her ensemble. Think a bloated Debbie Gibson mixed with a Blossom/Mayim Bialik face and you have a pretty accurate picture. Hell add the weight of Debbie Gibson and Mayim Bialik and you have a pretty accurate picture.








The crazy part is I have never spoken to her nor leered in her direction. When I walk through the halls it is with my Ipod on listening to Fresh Air and minding my own business. In addition she’s seen my girl. The cute Asian chick cleaning my apartment or doing my laundry who weighs around half as much but is twice as cute. So even though I’m perceived as a sexually rapacious Negro, she should have realized that I play in an entirely different league and posed no threat to her. I mean if you owned a Lexus would you steal Kia Sophias on the weekend ?



So after weeks of agita, aggravation, and a coarsening of my professional relationship with my boss the bitch quits and moves back to Canada.

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